We won a prize! The prize is called 'nice hack' and i took it to mean that we made it look pretty. Actually, that was just the generic name for the third prize, but i'll still consider it a validation of the visual quality of our presentation. After all, we didn't do anything groundbreaking, nor deserving of a prize, so maybe the fact that our project was pretty (and very user friendly) might have prompted the jury to give us a 'nice hack' prize. Either way, i love it and i love my team even more. We had no argument, we got along like peanut butter and jam, it was so awesome! I did not know you could work like that with a team. Sure, i've won things with my team before, but we had some people who didn't actually contribute. I don't know how we ended up with such a nice bunch of people, but it was worth my weekend, definitely. I said two weeks ago that i was willing to sacrifice this weekend in the name of a good cause, i didn't have to sacrifice it, it was such a pleasure! I rode my bike to the academy (yes, it's an academy like the one that thought me a whole lot of stuff) every time (three times), better each time. It feels better every day, especially since the spring is obviously around the corner. I can't wait for summer to be able to go on long trips. Still, it's all right, we'll build everything slowly. Today i didn't feel like doing the fifth day in the yoga challenge, i finished a crochet bra that i started two days ago (and which looks awesome! it's also a bit too large for me). I'm looking forward to finishing the thing that i actually wanted to make when i started this bra, a tank top that's all frilly and stuff. It's really pretty. You just need to count the proper number of stitches before starting the project.
I realized yesterday that i hadn't written enough to qualify for my 750 words, but i was so happy and tired that i didn't really care and published my text the way it was. Now i'd like to discuss something odd, something that nobody in this world would be interested to hear or read, which is why i'm writing it here, on my pseudo-anonymous blog which gets hits form the US, even though i have no idea how or why (probably bouncers, too, since i don't know anyone crazy enough to read this load of fluffy crap). Since i started the yoga challenge, i felt like i could let go (yes, my goal and thought while practicing is letting go - when i have time to think, since most of the time Adrienne speaks and sometimes makes me burst into laughter during very strange positions) and have let my feelings toward my very special one go. I disconnected from those feelings of attachment and that need for a constant connection, the need for my questions (addressed to him) to be answered. It was so awesome (still is, hehe), but i got a really odd side effect. In the past three nights i've had two dreams about him and they were both quite nice (you know what i mean), pleasant dreams that i remember partly, especially because they happened just before the alarm went off. Who knows how many there were without me remembering them... And this situation is stranger the more i think about it. I was so relaxed these days and looked around for interesting people (we had quite a lot at the hackathon) and the more i looked around, the more important he seemed to me. I just felt like i couldn't break that connection. The connection was there, there was no need for me to try and reinforce it or validate it or anything at all. It just was. And that's beautiful...
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Sheep
I've skipped the past two days. Why? Well, being tired and very busy mostly translated into no time at all for writing. I have no idea what I did on Thursday evening, though. My memory of that evening has faded. Wow... Right now i can't imagine what i did that evening. Oh right, i did the second day in my yoga challenge and something happened that i was too tired for anything else. Yesterday i went to the launch of a really nice event, full of kids and a few older guys, my first hackathon. Sure, i can't really contribute with actual code, but i can find out information and make pretty icons, which i did all day today. Somehow we found a nice guy to use the data on openstreetmap.org and make it look prettier and more user friendly. This is a really nice resource, especially given that you can edit it, but on the end user side, it sucks. As in, you need some people to extract useful stuff from it and present it in a beautiful way. You can't click on anything on openstreetmap, unless you're editing something. Still, i find it much more useful to find points of interest in my city than the lovely google maps, which is becoming a burden (especially the new version). This one is light and all the possible layers are awesome. I have no idea why i haven't heard of this before and why i haven't been using it for years! Well, i hope at least one more person learns about it from me and passes it on. That would really be nice. Last night i also went out to meet some friends, to celebrate the birthday of one of my oldest friends (old in the sense that we've been friends for around 12 years, that's half our lives!). We had a bit of fun, i drank a whole lot of juice and made two crochet cups for what will soon become a really pretty crochet bra. It's crazy, i know, but i like it so much. And yes, it did induce a few funny conversations.
Today i've also stuck the first sticker to my computer, my poor Leela. It will peel off soon, since it's right next to the keyboard, where i keep my hand the most time. I just couldn't resist it. When i see kids with tens of stickers, it reminds me of old times when my classmate used to write band names on her backpack because she thought it was cool (no, we did not have patches back then or at least we didn't have access to them/couldn't afford them). I don't like labels. Sure, these stickers are cute and represent a sort of a witness to the history of that one computer and its owner, but i'm less extroverted. I wouldn't show my history to everyone just like that, even though i don't hide it. It's so odd.
This event has been a really nice opportunity to talk to and get to know some people who i've never really spent time with, to create something together. We'll see tomorrow how we put everything together. The work hasn't been very coordinated and i decided to lay low, to just be one of the team and not take the lead, i passed the leading on to my friend, the helpful sheep (of course his hair is curly, most of my favorite people have curly hair, it's so mind boggling... just odd). I'm learning. Making different stuff, seeing what's needed, trying to use my skills to contribute... Tomorrow is the end of this beautiful event and i can't wait to see what happens in the afternoon. I need my sleep now, though :D
Today i've also stuck the first sticker to my computer, my poor Leela. It will peel off soon, since it's right next to the keyboard, where i keep my hand the most time. I just couldn't resist it. When i see kids with tens of stickers, it reminds me of old times when my classmate used to write band names on her backpack because she thought it was cool (no, we did not have patches back then or at least we didn't have access to them/couldn't afford them). I don't like labels. Sure, these stickers are cute and represent a sort of a witness to the history of that one computer and its owner, but i'm less extroverted. I wouldn't show my history to everyone just like that, even though i don't hide it. It's so odd.
This event has been a really nice opportunity to talk to and get to know some people who i've never really spent time with, to create something together. We'll see tomorrow how we put everything together. The work hasn't been very coordinated and i decided to lay low, to just be one of the team and not take the lead, i passed the leading on to my friend, the helpful sheep (of course his hair is curly, most of my favorite people have curly hair, it's so mind boggling... just odd). I'm learning. Making different stuff, seeing what's needed, trying to use my skills to contribute... Tomorrow is the end of this beautiful event and i can't wait to see what happens in the afternoon. I need my sleep now, though :D
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Green
Another day goes by, the cold is still in my bones, but at least i started a 30 day yoga challenge. Sure, during the weekend i might ignore it (just a little bit, that's what happens when you plan on taking part in hackathons), but it starts nicely. I never really did learn yoga beyond the breathing and i think it's quite important. Traveling by bike to my university is not an option now that some wise guys have decided that february was the perfect time to start exploding the whole street, so that the traffic is so bad that i'd rather walk to school. Still, i'm looking forward to some reason to go biking through the city. Since i can't do that every day, a little bit of yoga on the side might help. I might also help my poor heart, that's going crazy. How does one fall out of love with someone they haven't had any significant time with for years on end? (hey, those few hours do not count as significant time. nor did the time in the beginning count, except for that evening of storytelling, which was quite nice) It's getting to me. So maybe focusing on meditation will help. Either way, my head is clearer today.
I had to turn down a potential hourly job as a freelancer. Hey, i might be available, but that does not mean i'm desperate (yes, i am talking about freelancing, but now that i think of it, everyone might interpret it as being about relationships... well, it's valid either way). I'm not a slave and my mental power should be used for building stuff, not for google-ing stuff for people who are too lazy to look stuff up for themselves. I mean, would you really pay someone actual money to do something you could have done while you were getting your money out of your pocket? Those tasks had nothing to do with an actual ability. They were just for rich people who don't know who to pay 50 cents to do a 10 minute job. And being 'on call' for this kind of stuff? No, thank you. I will not sit on the edge of my seat waiting for some lame-o to write/call me on skype to tell me to google them a product or a service that's so basic even their kid could do it from their own phone. I'm doing that already for other reasons (well, not actually, i'm tired of waiting on the edge of my seat for people to react to what i tell them. who cares when/if they react? they can react in a year, for all i care. yes, 'the woman', i'm talking about you, you stuck-up event organized for pseudo women who pretend to be real people by spending more than half of their waking time choosing clothes and putting up makeup). I don't get these guys who say 'oh, look at us, we're so glamorous' and they're actually shitty people who can't answer a lame question. And then to expect me to give you money? Haha, yes, that was a funny joke. Sure, a joke that lasted for a year. Damn their stuckupness. Do not do business with that kind of people who endorse each other in their tiny circle, but are actually really lame when faced with an actual challenge. It's the same thing on the 'blogosphere' and the same thing in academia. Some guys/gals gang up and support each other and then start shouting 'oh, look, we are so awesome' and nobody cares. Because you're not awesome when you say that about yourself or your friend says that about you because you say that about them. You're awesome when people who meet you can't stop themselves from coming closer to see if you really are like that and then they can't help themselves and have to tell you. Because you're awesome. When that happens, it means you're not a shitty person who can't answer a simple question on their social media page from one of their potential customers.
All right, now that that's over, a little bit of time for my story. I kinda' know my setting, i 'built' a house and all of its heating/venting installation for a project a for a class two years ago. Almost two years ago. I can't believe it's been so long. I think i need to revise those plans, but the main idea is the same. Even if we'll have more rooms (possibly), the idea is that the main area for most of the events will be the school and its surroundings.
Yes, it's a school, it doesn't yet have a name, it's a tiny school, more like a permanent camp. Each class lives there for one entire year (no vacations, sorry) and there is only one class. One age group. After a few years, the older kids come by for 'experience exchange', to see how the program has improved and teach the new kids what they wished they'd known as they began their adventures. The staff (teachers, mostly) live there at all times. There is no 'magic', but there is a lot of technology and a lot of nature, which for me is the same thing as magic. The school is at the edge of a small village in the mountains, surrounded by forests, next to a river, in its tiny valley. All the slopes around are steep, but gorgeously green for the most part of the year (the summer drought does not extend its greedy paws between the mountains), the river is quite angry at times, full and dangerous, there are cows on pastures and sheep, wild animals in the woods and a very narrow access road. There is only one way out, towards 'civilization'. There are many possible details, i might get into them after i find my project.
Uuu, what's next?
I had to turn down a potential hourly job as a freelancer. Hey, i might be available, but that does not mean i'm desperate (yes, i am talking about freelancing, but now that i think of it, everyone might interpret it as being about relationships... well, it's valid either way). I'm not a slave and my mental power should be used for building stuff, not for google-ing stuff for people who are too lazy to look stuff up for themselves. I mean, would you really pay someone actual money to do something you could have done while you were getting your money out of your pocket? Those tasks had nothing to do with an actual ability. They were just for rich people who don't know who to pay 50 cents to do a 10 minute job. And being 'on call' for this kind of stuff? No, thank you. I will not sit on the edge of my seat waiting for some lame-o to write/call me on skype to tell me to google them a product or a service that's so basic even their kid could do it from their own phone. I'm doing that already for other reasons (well, not actually, i'm tired of waiting on the edge of my seat for people to react to what i tell them. who cares when/if they react? they can react in a year, for all i care. yes, 'the woman', i'm talking about you, you stuck-up event organized for pseudo women who pretend to be real people by spending more than half of their waking time choosing clothes and putting up makeup). I don't get these guys who say 'oh, look at us, we're so glamorous' and they're actually shitty people who can't answer a lame question. And then to expect me to give you money? Haha, yes, that was a funny joke. Sure, a joke that lasted for a year. Damn their stuckupness. Do not do business with that kind of people who endorse each other in their tiny circle, but are actually really lame when faced with an actual challenge. It's the same thing on the 'blogosphere' and the same thing in academia. Some guys/gals gang up and support each other and then start shouting 'oh, look, we are so awesome' and nobody cares. Because you're not awesome when you say that about yourself or your friend says that about you because you say that about them. You're awesome when people who meet you can't stop themselves from coming closer to see if you really are like that and then they can't help themselves and have to tell you. Because you're awesome. When that happens, it means you're not a shitty person who can't answer a simple question on their social media page from one of their potential customers.
All right, now that that's over, a little bit of time for my story. I kinda' know my setting, i 'built' a house and all of its heating/venting installation for a project a for a class two years ago. Almost two years ago. I can't believe it's been so long. I think i need to revise those plans, but the main idea is the same. Even if we'll have more rooms (possibly), the idea is that the main area for most of the events will be the school and its surroundings.
Yes, it's a school, it doesn't yet have a name, it's a tiny school, more like a permanent camp. Each class lives there for one entire year (no vacations, sorry) and there is only one class. One age group. After a few years, the older kids come by for 'experience exchange', to see how the program has improved and teach the new kids what they wished they'd known as they began their adventures. The staff (teachers, mostly) live there at all times. There is no 'magic', but there is a lot of technology and a lot of nature, which for me is the same thing as magic. The school is at the edge of a small village in the mountains, surrounded by forests, next to a river, in its tiny valley. All the slopes around are steep, but gorgeously green for the most part of the year (the summer drought does not extend its greedy paws between the mountains), the river is quite angry at times, full and dangerous, there are cows on pastures and sheep, wild animals in the woods and a very narrow access road. There is only one way out, towards 'civilization'. There are many possible details, i might get into them after i find my project.
Uuu, what's next?
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Compound
I've got mixed feelings about a lot of stuff now. I had a nap earlier, trying to offset my fatigue from... i don't really know what caused it. Probably because of my contact lenses which are getting worn down, i've been using them for four weeks. It seems like they don't last longer if you take them off and care for them. I may change them tomorrow or the day after. I'd rather have a full day's energy than use them one day longer. I also got some magnesium supplements today, since it seems like i'm not friends with this element and kind of need an extra helping. It's odd that you can find the same active substance in various forms and for triple the prices. I don't get this pharma industry. I mean, i know they want profits no matter what. The pharmacist was sad that i chose the cheapest supplement. It's just a jelly bean with a bit of magnesium in it, do you really think that i'll spend half my scholarship on it? Think again! It's not really *that* expensive, but it is quite a bit. And to think of the people who gobble up tens of pills a day. I'm against pills, but my lifestyle has been quite chaotic for the past almost six years, living in all the weirdest places, i've rationalized this decision. But taking all those other useless supplements that i once wrote about... That's just stupid. If you have the money to buy that shit you can reorganize your life and make room for a little bit of greener food and a bit more sport. And that is what i did with my own life. More sport, meaning i'll take the bike to the university every morning, now that i even bought myself a little pump (that was a useless investment, well, maybe not on the long run, who knows where it'll end up). I wanted to go dancing tonight, but i was too tired to get up from my nap and go out. I'm falling asleep as i'm typing, that's why it's going so slow. I did do some progress on our article today, the one about the quartz and stuff. Seems like my lab colleague left me the task of writing out our observations and conclusions about the results. I think it's for the better, since it would have been daunting to try and decipher what she's trying to say in English and translate it into a discernible bit of text. It's easier to just write those out myself. It's not easy to explain what's going on, though, since we're at a frontier in science and nobody really knows what the hell is going on in there. So i'm just pulling guesses. The funniest part is that not even the professor can tell my i'm wrong. He knows a whole lot about NMR, not so much about concrete and chemistry (that's my thing now). So he can agree or disagree with my/our ideas without giving a reason why. Let's just hope that it is what's actually happening. I won't make any bold assumptions, but one must make some when faced with hard facts. Yeah, i like the sound of that. Nowadays i see concrete everywhere. As a building material and as a concept of something durable and clear. Odd how the word has ramified in time.
I told you i had some mixed feelings. It's because i'm stupid and trying to keep up with my lovely friend is doing (you know that it's the same person because i always use some kind of cheesy adjective when talking about him because i can't get myself to call him anything else yet, since he's my friend and has been my crush for too many years so i can't really call him my crush any more, nor anything else), so i read his updates on this stupid social media. One day it's a nice one, the other is like a blow to the head. He shares my work with his friends (which is quite sweet, considering that his closest friends live all over the world and couldn't give a rat's ass about pretty flower accessories), then he posts some melancholic song about a lost love. It's like i could interpret it as a subliminal message, but i don't want to, since i'm not that important, or am i? And i can't ask because it makes me feel self conscious to the point that i'm too emotional about it no matter the answer. So if i care i shouldn't know the truth because it affects me? I want to know the truth, he doesn't want me to, because he thinks that i'll go crazy or something. I think that's a stupid assumption, since if i know the reasoning behind something, i won't think of all the alternatives. The best would be to just ignore all this activity. If something were directed at me, he should just tell me, right? But he won't, because he 'cares' too much to not tell me. This is a stupid loop and i must get out of it. My bike and my work are two answers to this problem. Just be the best you can every day, meet people, make stuff, enjoy the coming spring and don't forget about that magnesium. Somehow it makes my day brighter. Sucks to depend upon something like that. It's like coffee for other people. I can't stand its smell or taste and it also has a lot of detrimental effects. Tea helps, but only temporarily and it drives me into frenzies. I should give up all my sources of sugar, i think. Or just work out more. This is difficult.
I didn't say anything about the next characters because i wanted to get everything (part of it) off my mind, but it seems like it's going to have to happen in parallel. Every day i need this space for letting go of thoughts and ideas that don't need to pollute my mind (part of them go down into my work diary, but i can't put nasty thoughts in there because it stays in the laboratory overnight and over the weekends, so it's sort of public). But i also need to work on my project, which i can do after i reach my balance, zen so to speak and have warmed up my fingers.
Some more characters:
- the musician - she's also passionate about the environment and hands-on education, she's sporty and loves to ski (just like the engineer), hiking and spending time outdoors; she plays the violin professionally and teaches music lessons; she also sings and has a really nice voice which needs a bit more action (more training!); she's very patient and has the most contagious laugh, which she shares freely; she sometimes starts singing randomly; she's also very spiritual and can create a good balance with the more agnostic characters; oddly enough, the engineer shares some of her views on religion;
All of these characters have in common the fact that they mostly know each other quite well or they feel like they have known each other for their whole lives. They are all quite young (in their early thirties), but have been through a lot, even for their young age.
Who i also need are:
I told you i had some mixed feelings. It's because i'm stupid and trying to keep up with my lovely friend is doing (you know that it's the same person because i always use some kind of cheesy adjective when talking about him because i can't get myself to call him anything else yet, since he's my friend and has been my crush for too many years so i can't really call him my crush any more, nor anything else), so i read his updates on this stupid social media. One day it's a nice one, the other is like a blow to the head. He shares my work with his friends (which is quite sweet, considering that his closest friends live all over the world and couldn't give a rat's ass about pretty flower accessories), then he posts some melancholic song about a lost love. It's like i could interpret it as a subliminal message, but i don't want to, since i'm not that important, or am i? And i can't ask because it makes me feel self conscious to the point that i'm too emotional about it no matter the answer. So if i care i shouldn't know the truth because it affects me? I want to know the truth, he doesn't want me to, because he thinks that i'll go crazy or something. I think that's a stupid assumption, since if i know the reasoning behind something, i won't think of all the alternatives. The best would be to just ignore all this activity. If something were directed at me, he should just tell me, right? But he won't, because he 'cares' too much to not tell me. This is a stupid loop and i must get out of it. My bike and my work are two answers to this problem. Just be the best you can every day, meet people, make stuff, enjoy the coming spring and don't forget about that magnesium. Somehow it makes my day brighter. Sucks to depend upon something like that. It's like coffee for other people. I can't stand its smell or taste and it also has a lot of detrimental effects. Tea helps, but only temporarily and it drives me into frenzies. I should give up all my sources of sugar, i think. Or just work out more. This is difficult.
I didn't say anything about the next characters because i wanted to get everything (part of it) off my mind, but it seems like it's going to have to happen in parallel. Every day i need this space for letting go of thoughts and ideas that don't need to pollute my mind (part of them go down into my work diary, but i can't put nasty thoughts in there because it stays in the laboratory overnight and over the weekends, so it's sort of public). But i also need to work on my project, which i can do after i reach my balance, zen so to speak and have warmed up my fingers.
Some more characters:
- the musician - she's also passionate about the environment and hands-on education, she's sporty and loves to ski (just like the engineer), hiking and spending time outdoors; she plays the violin professionally and teaches music lessons; she also sings and has a really nice voice which needs a bit more action (more training!); she's very patient and has the most contagious laugh, which she shares freely; she sometimes starts singing randomly; she's also very spiritual and can create a good balance with the more agnostic characters; oddly enough, the engineer shares some of her views on religion;
All of these characters have in common the fact that they mostly know each other quite well or they feel like they have known each other for their whole lives. They are all quite young (in their early thirties), but have been through a lot, even for their young age.
Who i also need are:
- the carpenter/handyman - someone who can teach everyone else anything about building and fixing stuff;
- the programmer - a person who's very much into anything relating to technology, knows the ins and outs of computers, servers, the internet, mobile phones and more modern technology - have two potential candidates, must analyze them a bit before allowing them to be my programmer, they need to be trustworthy;
- the cook - i'm not even sure whether it's a gal or a guy, there a quite a few potential people who could fill this role - i might just end up inventing one from scratch, but i'm sure it wouldn't be as awesome as actually having someone who loves cooking and baking;
- other teachers - who? we'll see;
- the kids;
- the parents;
- the locals;
- the professionals who visit for workshops;
- some others who i don't know right now...
Monday, February 16, 2015
Blinds
Things are changing, yes. My mind is constantly changing. Exchanging information with the world. Today i realized that the internet is my superpower. That is, without it i am a pretty awesome human being and can do quite a lot. But with it... pff, i get wings. I make such leaps as could not be possible without such a smart creation as the internet and all the sources that fuel it every day. If some of the servers that i use every day would one day disconnect from this network, well, that would be a really sad day. And a superpowerless day. For i would turn to just an above average human being. Why am i calling myself above average? Well, don't we all? Who likes to accept that they are below average. But no, it's not because of my huge ego. I have it under control. It has its uses. It's because, since i was a kid, i kept improving. Consciously. For a while now i've had something on my mind, being the best person i can be every day. You see, without wanting to and doing this, many people just stay where they are, every day. No challenges, no lessons, no change, nothing new. If you learn something every day (even when you have no idea what that was, but you know that your day was not like the one before it), then you get a chance to improve. And become better. Every single day. Better than the day before. Better than your own average. The next time i tell someone i'm better than average, i'll also mention whose average. Mine. We like to be seen as individuals. How can i compare myself with the next person? I'm better at grammar than they are, but i bet i'm not as good at social interactions. I may be better at typing (haha, not really), but they're probably better at... i don't know, we'll find something.
Now that that's over, let's talk about something more down to earth. I've been reading today a bit about freelancing, since it's becoming more and more of a thing in my life. I didn't actually start it as a desperate person looking for work, more like a soon-to-be graduate looking for a place to get some extra experience. There is no money to be made from freelancing in the beginning. First months, years, depending on how much you care for that kind of work. I started nicely, two years ago. I can't believe it's been two years. I got a really badly paying job in order to get my first feedback. Of course it had to be the best, so i did my best, even for that meager pay and for those awful hours (i was working while taking part in a paid training program - that was not fun). I learned that Australia was the country with the happiest citizens. It's funny that, after i stopped working on that 'project' (did i mention that i really did a very good job, even though it was not expected, given the pay), a year passed and i completely forgot about any of the two platforms that i had an account on (that actually merged sometime last year - i did know about that) and then i got to work with an Australian team. That was fun. Tiring, but fun. Now that i don't have a task that i dread to do (somewhat), my day feels empty. There's still much more to be done.
Wow, i just had the most amazing and inspiring conversation, mostly on my own (yes, if that sounds sad, it is). While talking to a friend, i let it slip (as i always do, rarely with any success at bringing any smiles about) that in two years i'll be the person knowing most about concrete in this country. Doing research on it, at the micro level, that i hope will be the case. She mentioned that we might make a special edition of 5MS (five minute speeches) for me to talk about concrete (i'm not really into talking, but i need to get prepared for the future, so i make myself go through this training until it stops being uncomfortable). Which sparked an idea. If others can have science cafes and other meetings like that, why wouldn't we? Yesterday or the day before i read about such informal events where normal people get to find out from the researchers themselves what they are studying and what it means. I think that would be cool if we blended it with the structure of 5MS. We could call it Scientific 5MS, it can happen every month, like the original, no need for an entry fee or prizes, since it would not be about public speaking, but about research and science. This way, it can last for an hour, 6 speeches, we can then have a tea or something with our friends and talk about it.
Aand... i just watched a commercial directed at the parents who keep their daughters in imaginary castles and don't let them get dirty and explore the world because they're pretty little princesses. I was lucky to not be one of those. I played with mud (and still do), had my share of cow/chicken love, helped my dad and my uncle build/repair stuff and they never told me to go away because i'm too weak or something. They were always happy for the help. Sometimes i remember and am so grateful for having the occasion/opportunity to not turn into a princess. I may have hated myself my whole life. Maybe that's why i don't like these fake-ass piți that i meet every day. The really thin/fragile ones that spend waaaay too much time grooming themselves. I also think that's the reason why, after the first months of getting to know each other, i now get along so well with my lab colleague, now a post-doc. We're both the kind of woman who is unafraid to clasp that hammer or pliers and repair that thing that just went crazy in the lab. You get what i mean. That's why i have a workshop full of tools instead of crates of makeup products. That's why i have a sewing machine and a gazillion pieces of fabric lying around, waiting to be transformed, instead of throwing my money at cheap stuff then throwing the cheap stuff away to make more space for new cheap stuff.
Now that that's over, let's talk about something more down to earth. I've been reading today a bit about freelancing, since it's becoming more and more of a thing in my life. I didn't actually start it as a desperate person looking for work, more like a soon-to-be graduate looking for a place to get some extra experience. There is no money to be made from freelancing in the beginning. First months, years, depending on how much you care for that kind of work. I started nicely, two years ago. I can't believe it's been two years. I got a really badly paying job in order to get my first feedback. Of course it had to be the best, so i did my best, even for that meager pay and for those awful hours (i was working while taking part in a paid training program - that was not fun). I learned that Australia was the country with the happiest citizens. It's funny that, after i stopped working on that 'project' (did i mention that i really did a very good job, even though it was not expected, given the pay), a year passed and i completely forgot about any of the two platforms that i had an account on (that actually merged sometime last year - i did know about that) and then i got to work with an Australian team. That was fun. Tiring, but fun. Now that i don't have a task that i dread to do (somewhat), my day feels empty. There's still much more to be done.
Wow, i just had the most amazing and inspiring conversation, mostly on my own (yes, if that sounds sad, it is). While talking to a friend, i let it slip (as i always do, rarely with any success at bringing any smiles about) that in two years i'll be the person knowing most about concrete in this country. Doing research on it, at the micro level, that i hope will be the case. She mentioned that we might make a special edition of 5MS (five minute speeches) for me to talk about concrete (i'm not really into talking, but i need to get prepared for the future, so i make myself go through this training until it stops being uncomfortable). Which sparked an idea. If others can have science cafes and other meetings like that, why wouldn't we? Yesterday or the day before i read about such informal events where normal people get to find out from the researchers themselves what they are studying and what it means. I think that would be cool if we blended it with the structure of 5MS. We could call it Scientific 5MS, it can happen every month, like the original, no need for an entry fee or prizes, since it would not be about public speaking, but about research and science. This way, it can last for an hour, 6 speeches, we can then have a tea or something with our friends and talk about it.
Aand... i just watched a commercial directed at the parents who keep their daughters in imaginary castles and don't let them get dirty and explore the world because they're pretty little princesses. I was lucky to not be one of those. I played with mud (and still do), had my share of cow/chicken love, helped my dad and my uncle build/repair stuff and they never told me to go away because i'm too weak or something. They were always happy for the help. Sometimes i remember and am so grateful for having the occasion/opportunity to not turn into a princess. I may have hated myself my whole life. Maybe that's why i don't like these fake-ass piți that i meet every day. The really thin/fragile ones that spend waaaay too much time grooming themselves. I also think that's the reason why, after the first months of getting to know each other, i now get along so well with my lab colleague, now a post-doc. We're both the kind of woman who is unafraid to clasp that hammer or pliers and repair that thing that just went crazy in the lab. You get what i mean. That's why i have a workshop full of tools instead of crates of makeup products. That's why i have a sewing machine and a gazillion pieces of fabric lying around, waiting to be transformed, instead of throwing my money at cheap stuff then throwing the cheap stuff away to make more space for new cheap stuff.
Bolt
It's past half past midnight, but i didn't do my writing today (well, not here, i did do a bit of writing... 1600 word-ish, for a project), so i can't go to sleep. I could, but that would not be fair. I should really stop working before 11 if i want to get to sleep my 8 hours a night (and they're not even enough for my brain, it needs time to catch up with all the stuff that i think of during the day). Still, there's not much to say for today except the fact that i didn't actually go for a ride in the morning because i was lazy, needed a good shower and a friend called me, telling me she'd be over in one and a half hours. Not nearly enough time to eat, wash and take a ride. So i just did some stuff around the house that i don't really remember clearly. I think i read some stuff about a career in aviation and how that's getting to a sad end in the USA (hopefully, not in the rest of the world as well). That took quite a while. I wanted to know how soon pilots retire. Apparently, some don't even get enough money put to the side to get a retirement fund. How is that possible? Here in Romania we must pay 31% of our salaries (or income, in the more special cases, like mine) for the pension fund. You don't get to say 'nah, maybe next month'. The old people need their tiny pensions that they get from the working people because someone ate up their actual retirement funds (and probably built their own house on the beach/in the mountains) and now there is no money left for old people. Except that 31%. The people who think that money gets invested are fools. It's a joke. There is no investment in this country. Which is why i have a bad feeling about working in this country. Which is why i'm thinking about leaving. I didn't want to, but i may have to. At least until i can get a good enough income online to be able to work from practically anywhere i have an internet connection (and even without one, for creative writing you don't really need internet - actually i do, because i'm a compulsive reader, but i could deal with that). And then i'll be able to implement my plan, which will have been written in my super awesome book. Speaking of which, the main teacher characters are actually some people i know and love. Well, the characters will be based on them. I'm sure they wouldn't actually act like i mean them to (well, they might, since i know them pretty well, but i'd rather not make a caricature out of actual human beings that i respect as a whole). A short list would be (i need names for them, blah):
my character, obviously - the queen bee - the crazy lady who loves chickens, can't breathe properly, likes to read, but is really pretentious about what she reads, can recommend literature to read/go to to any person interested in any subject (is a sort of happy combination between google and wikipedia, but without the actual details), loves to hike, even though she's not that good of an athlete, teaches dance classes and breathing lessons alongside biology and geomorphology and is always looking at ways of improving oneself (none of that self-help/dezvoltare personală stuff that's been haunting us for the last century, just the actual thing);
her best friend - the hyperbunny - a tiny woman who's always on the move, gets crazy ideas for people to implement (and they turn out pretty funny in the end, actually), is like a magnet for kids and adults alike and completes the first character - actually, they complete each other and communicate easily, by making fun of everything that is wrong with society and things in general - she doesn't listen most of the time, unless you have something new or exciting to share, in which case she'll share your enthusiasm; she's an everflowing source of energy, unless she really dislikes/doesn't understand what she's doing; she teaches German and non-formal education, she makes up games and adapts games from past experiences and, of course, invents all sorts of crazy things to do;
the engineer - he likes to take on challenges and show everyone that they actually mean nothing - what do you mean it's difficult to get in there? i'm in already - he learned from an early age that you only succeed with hard work and has a few achievements to show for it; he can teach you how to see things in a builder's world, but he's also soft inside and needs a lot of attention; he loves being around kids and has a sort of a 'recipe for success' that he's willing to share with the most hard working of them; he teaches maths and physics, but only to those who care about these subjects; he also has hands-on classes where he builds flying stuff with the kids.
I'll stop at these three for now, i'll take it off with the others tomorrow. I can't believe how easy this feels...
my character, obviously - the queen bee - the crazy lady who loves chickens, can't breathe properly, likes to read, but is really pretentious about what she reads, can recommend literature to read/go to to any person interested in any subject (is a sort of happy combination between google and wikipedia, but without the actual details), loves to hike, even though she's not that good of an athlete, teaches dance classes and breathing lessons alongside biology and geomorphology and is always looking at ways of improving oneself (none of that self-help/dezvoltare personală stuff that's been haunting us for the last century, just the actual thing);
her best friend - the hyperbunny - a tiny woman who's always on the move, gets crazy ideas for people to implement (and they turn out pretty funny in the end, actually), is like a magnet for kids and adults alike and completes the first character - actually, they complete each other and communicate easily, by making fun of everything that is wrong with society and things in general - she doesn't listen most of the time, unless you have something new or exciting to share, in which case she'll share your enthusiasm; she's an everflowing source of energy, unless she really dislikes/doesn't understand what she's doing; she teaches German and non-formal education, she makes up games and adapts games from past experiences and, of course, invents all sorts of crazy things to do;
the engineer - he likes to take on challenges and show everyone that they actually mean nothing - what do you mean it's difficult to get in there? i'm in already - he learned from an early age that you only succeed with hard work and has a few achievements to show for it; he can teach you how to see things in a builder's world, but he's also soft inside and needs a lot of attention; he loves being around kids and has a sort of a 'recipe for success' that he's willing to share with the most hard working of them; he teaches maths and physics, but only to those who care about these subjects; he also has hands-on classes where he builds flying stuff with the kids.
I'll stop at these three for now, i'll take it off with the others tomorrow. I can't believe how easy this feels...
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Heart
Last night I had an odd feeling like i had forgotten to do something. It was late, 1 in the morning, so i couldn't just turn on my computer again to write when i realized that i had skipped yesterday's writing session. No worries, though. I finished my assignment on Odesk and got a bonus for good work, something I had not known was possible. I have one more to finish and then I'm free again. Well, we might collaborate again on a different project in the near future.
Yesterday was quite an odd day. My internet connection was down and it took me seven hours and quite a few phone calls to my ISP to solve the problem, which had nothing to do with my computer. Still, they made me go through the same steps three times and, after insisting twice, they finally sent someone over to check the modem in the building. That was annoying mostly because i knew the problem wasn't in my house, it was theirs and they wouldn't accept that and send someone. So i started working on my flowers. I have quite a few and no, i don't think that anyone will buy them. I don't know why, i have a feeling. On the brighter side, a very talented friend of mine has created wedding invitations with my flowers and they look gorgeous. I love them. They make me so happy. I should concentrate a bit on the wedding accessories. I think i should make one today, just to remember the skill. A bad kind of news two days ago was that my courier contract is going to be cancelled because i don't have enough orders. Well, it's not that bad, since i haven't actually had enough orders for myself, which is a bit worse. Still, i will not quit. I have no idea what i'm doing (other than drifting around), but there is a way out. Decisions are my way out. Shall i make less (and sell less 'stuff') and write more? Most probably. Will i regret letting my little shop go? Probably not, it never was a real shop anyway. Just struggling to float, always finding something more exciting to do (like last year i learned how to bead crochet and then how to crochet - which was quite cool, but also takes a lot of time and many people know how to do it, so it would take a little while to become an innovator/teacher there, then i decided that i want to sew my own traditional shirt, which is right now still in design). The way it is right now, it's more a hobby than anything else. It's not a great example of online marketing. I would use it as an example of how not to sell online. It's a good example for that. The thing is, even if i love doing this, i don't want to sell. It's crazy, but with no selling there is no income, no change, no time and resources for new items. I will keep it small and we'll just see what happens. Let me begin...
http://youtu.be/6zv3HmPxSZk
And then go on with the whole album, since it's online anyway:
http://youtu.be/imp-U9mrjM0
I just had a really interesting nonversation (short not-really-a-conversation) about these things that i write here, somewhat. In my drive to bring something new to that conversation, i may have said some things that are stupid. Or seem stupid. Or make me feel stupid. I'm not sure which. I'm out. Too much emotional involvement in these discussions leads to my replies to hang in the air and that sucks. So i should just leave them for the times when i actually meet the people i'm talking to. Times when i actually just listen to stuff that i already know and have little to no time to reply, but that's how conversations go. It's difficult to find someone to listen to the other person as well and actually understand and reply to what they're saying. I don't do small talk. It's not my thing. It's not something that i enjoy or find useful. I feel like Sheldon right now, unable to grasp a social concept that makes no sense. Some people looove small talk, they would do that all day long if they could.
And what a plot twist! My new profile picture did indeed reflect my day. The reason we were having a nonversation was quite stunning for me (and the reason for a new surge of chemicals - the good ones - through my whole body). The British are opening up a new pilot program. Anyone can apply. Guess who's been dreaming of becoming a pilot for the past who knows how many years? He has, of course. I've only been dreaming of becoming a personal pilot and only for the past two months. It will happen, but i have a feeling that his dream will come true first. Why? I trust him. He won't let me help him (i don't know how i could help, but i'm open to any suggestions), but i will do my best to support him. This is so awesome! I'm so happy right now for him. I'll be even happier when he gets in and happier than that when he comes out with a first officer license and a big, beautiful smile.
Enough for today, i'll sign off with a big hug to anyone in need.
Yesterday was quite an odd day. My internet connection was down and it took me seven hours and quite a few phone calls to my ISP to solve the problem, which had nothing to do with my computer. Still, they made me go through the same steps three times and, after insisting twice, they finally sent someone over to check the modem in the building. That was annoying mostly because i knew the problem wasn't in my house, it was theirs and they wouldn't accept that and send someone. So i started working on my flowers. I have quite a few and no, i don't think that anyone will buy them. I don't know why, i have a feeling. On the brighter side, a very talented friend of mine has created wedding invitations with my flowers and they look gorgeous. I love them. They make me so happy. I should concentrate a bit on the wedding accessories. I think i should make one today, just to remember the skill. A bad kind of news two days ago was that my courier contract is going to be cancelled because i don't have enough orders. Well, it's not that bad, since i haven't actually had enough orders for myself, which is a bit worse. Still, i will not quit. I have no idea what i'm doing (other than drifting around), but there is a way out. Decisions are my way out. Shall i make less (and sell less 'stuff') and write more? Most probably. Will i regret letting my little shop go? Probably not, it never was a real shop anyway. Just struggling to float, always finding something more exciting to do (like last year i learned how to bead crochet and then how to crochet - which was quite cool, but also takes a lot of time and many people know how to do it, so it would take a little while to become an innovator/teacher there, then i decided that i want to sew my own traditional shirt, which is right now still in design). The way it is right now, it's more a hobby than anything else. It's not a great example of online marketing. I would use it as an example of how not to sell online. It's a good example for that. The thing is, even if i love doing this, i don't want to sell. It's crazy, but with no selling there is no income, no change, no time and resources for new items. I will keep it small and we'll just see what happens. Let me begin...
http://youtu.be/6zv3HmPxSZk
And then go on with the whole album, since it's online anyway:
http://youtu.be/imp-U9mrjM0
I just had a really interesting nonversation (short not-really-a-conversation) about these things that i write here, somewhat. In my drive to bring something new to that conversation, i may have said some things that are stupid. Or seem stupid. Or make me feel stupid. I'm not sure which. I'm out. Too much emotional involvement in these discussions leads to my replies to hang in the air and that sucks. So i should just leave them for the times when i actually meet the people i'm talking to. Times when i actually just listen to stuff that i already know and have little to no time to reply, but that's how conversations go. It's difficult to find someone to listen to the other person as well and actually understand and reply to what they're saying. I don't do small talk. It's not my thing. It's not something that i enjoy or find useful. I feel like Sheldon right now, unable to grasp a social concept that makes no sense. Some people looove small talk, they would do that all day long if they could.
And what a plot twist! My new profile picture did indeed reflect my day. The reason we were having a nonversation was quite stunning for me (and the reason for a new surge of chemicals - the good ones - through my whole body). The British are opening up a new pilot program. Anyone can apply. Guess who's been dreaming of becoming a pilot for the past who knows how many years? He has, of course. I've only been dreaming of becoming a personal pilot and only for the past two months. It will happen, but i have a feeling that his dream will come true first. Why? I trust him. He won't let me help him (i don't know how i could help, but i'm open to any suggestions), but i will do my best to support him. This is so awesome! I'm so happy right now for him. I'll be even happier when he gets in and happier than that when he comes out with a first officer license and a big, beautiful smile.
Enough for today, i'll sign off with a big hug to anyone in need.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Thousands
I spoke too soon. It wasn't over. It's not going to be over for a very long time. I'm in limbo again. Damn it, i feel like in cartoonland. Thankfully, today i got the day off for being so active these past weeks and for doing such a good job yesterday on the presentation (yay, that's over, now i have to translate half of it to Romanian and add another half about objectives and stuff like that). It's great because there is a whole lot of pain going through me right now and i could use a break. Not just physical pain, mind you, even though it is my first day (right on time, oddly, and yes, i know you don't care and it's too much info, but for some people, such as myself, this is very important information), but also emotional pain. I froze last night, while waiting for the tram, after i led my friend to the train station. I think that something more froze inside me then, because i got home and i burst. In tears, of course. Because i'm an idiot, thinking that my friends are actual friends and not some people trying to get rid of me in a most subtle fashion. It hurts more when you ignore someone who calls you their friend than if you told them you don't want to 'play friend' any more. Sure, that means that you never really were a friend, because a real friendship does not 'end', but either way it's the same thing. It just hurts more if you don't say it. Lack of communication hurts in any situation and relationship. Just know that. If you're unsure whether you're a friend to someone, you're not. And that's fine, you don't have to be everyone's friend. You don't have to be anyone's friend, for that matter. Just let them know. So that they can heal their wounds and go on with their lives. If you keep them hanging by a thread you're worse than anything. Cruel and evil, even if you don't realize it. Or especially if you don't realize it. Your actions only hurt the other person. I always try to let people know when we can't have something together because of different reasons. Sometimes i don't like them, sometimes i do, but they can't be trusted or sometimes i like them but we're completely immiscible, like water and oil. We don't work together, no matter what. And that's fine, as long as they know it too, because i let them know.
I didn't write yesterday because i got home quite late and quite frozen. I picked up a friend at the airport and we spent a little bit of time with two more friends before i led her to the train station. She's such a nice person, one of those people that you instantly 'click' with. I don't even think we've seen each other since, until last night. But it was as if we'd known each other forever. And it was awesome. We'll see if she manages to sell some of my flowers in Germany. If she doesn't, no worries, i'll be going there soon.
I got an odd email today, asking me whether i have 17000 identical flowers on stock. How is it not clear from my website that everything i make is handmade? I have no idea. It's written everywhere. How many years would it take to make so many flowers? I don't know, it's very funny. I answered that i would only make 100, tops. What are they thinking? It would take me a thousand boxes full of flowers to top such an order. Maybe it was just a joke, in which case it's a lame joke. Still, what a number. Why choose that number?
It feels so cold... Inside and out. But it will be all right, it always is. I read an article yesterday about researchers trying to find out whether expressive writing (what i'm doing now) and rewriting helps people cope with their problems better. They found out it does. I could have told them that. It's no news. Either way, even though inside i feel like shit, i know there's stuff that i could do to improve my general move. First, cleaning up my house. It's full of mud from my bike (i rather like that, though, it makes me feel like i like to live dangerously - i don't). Then finishing up my writing assignments - the last presentation and the other half of my translation. Then a new article on my website - since i started writing here (and a bit before that) i haven't published anything there. It's a business, it's my brand image, i can't post my rants there. And then i could, finally, watch that second video from Marie, on marketing. I'm quite curious, but not enough yet. Oh, i almost forgot about dancing. Dancing makes one happy girl...
I didn't write yesterday because i got home quite late and quite frozen. I picked up a friend at the airport and we spent a little bit of time with two more friends before i led her to the train station. She's such a nice person, one of those people that you instantly 'click' with. I don't even think we've seen each other since, until last night. But it was as if we'd known each other forever. And it was awesome. We'll see if she manages to sell some of my flowers in Germany. If she doesn't, no worries, i'll be going there soon.
I got an odd email today, asking me whether i have 17000 identical flowers on stock. How is it not clear from my website that everything i make is handmade? I have no idea. It's written everywhere. How many years would it take to make so many flowers? I don't know, it's very funny. I answered that i would only make 100, tops. What are they thinking? It would take me a thousand boxes full of flowers to top such an order. Maybe it was just a joke, in which case it's a lame joke. Still, what a number. Why choose that number?
It feels so cold... Inside and out. But it will be all right, it always is. I read an article yesterday about researchers trying to find out whether expressive writing (what i'm doing now) and rewriting helps people cope with their problems better. They found out it does. I could have told them that. It's no news. Either way, even though inside i feel like shit, i know there's stuff that i could do to improve my general move. First, cleaning up my house. It's full of mud from my bike (i rather like that, though, it makes me feel like i like to live dangerously - i don't). Then finishing up my writing assignments - the last presentation and the other half of my translation. Then a new article on my website - since i started writing here (and a bit before that) i haven't published anything there. It's a business, it's my brand image, i can't post my rants there. And then i could, finally, watch that second video from Marie, on marketing. I'm quite curious, but not enough yet. Oh, i almost forgot about dancing. Dancing makes one happy girl...
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Roll
Two days ago i took a decision. A very optimistic and interesting decision. Today i took one more. Someone asked me what i want to accomplish by going to the 5MS events and having speeches there. I answered that i want to be one of the TED speakers one day. I have no idea yet what i would speak about, probably about the environment or concrete or both, since they are both fascinating subjects that i know a lot more about that your average university Joe or Jane. And they are both crucial for a smart development, at least until we end up with an ASI (who will either solve all of our problems or kill us both - well, they both would mean solving all of our problems). Leaving that to the side a bit, my other brilliant idea that i had today (i mean, decision, i've had the idea itself since i was a kid!) was to write a bestseller. A book, obviously. And no, not for the money, the money would just be a bonus. They are unimportant for this goal. My point is that i want to create a book (or series of) so captivating and fascinating and lovable and smart and still accessible that every kid (and young adult, such as me) would love to read it! And learn from it. Indirectly, of course. Kids don't read to learn stuff, they read for entertainment (at least i did). Kids (and young adults) don't usually read mostly because they think that books are boring and they have other, 'better' things to do. But! if you manage to write something compelling and fascinating, you'll have a Lord of the Rings or a Harry Potter or a Game of Thrones that has millions of people waiting, breath unabated, for you to release the new book in the series (well, not so much with Lord of the Rings, it's only become really fashionable lately).
Why did i choose kids and young adults? Well, there are several reasons, among which the most important: young people are the future. Also, i'm young myself and it would be a bit childish to try to write for older people, since i'm not old enough to have their expertise and experience and i don't yet 'get' them. Besides, i like writing informally and i don't do bullshit. So if you want something seemingly 'elevated' and complicated, i'm not the person to talk to. I'll ask you so many questions that you'll end up doubting your own preconceived ideas (which is actually a good thing generally, but not for those in the situation where their belief systems are crumbling from the inside without a way to keep them up).
So that's my decision and i'll keep up with it, in parallel with all the other stuff that i'm doing and writing and thinking. I think that i only got this idea and this drive because i've been writing in the past few days. Writing useless stuff makes it easier to concentrate on the important things when they show up. Like noticing (and writing down) an idea such as this. Even without emotional support from anybody (well, you know what i mean), i can begin this journey. And the support will show up when i'm out of breath and need someone to give me a sip of water and an arm to keep me going. Or maybe it won't, but who cares anyway. It's not like my mind depends on anyone else's health but mine. Well, it does to an extent, but i can choose who those people are. Either way, the beginning is the worst, as i always say, but let's consider this 'blog' the beginning. Since it's anonymous, i can make my character sketches here, i can imagine the lands/landscapes they live and act in, their interactions, their history, the societies they live in (oh, the society is such a crucial part of a good novel, that's what many meh writers don't get. it's not enough to shape a character, the society it lives in is like another character. it breathes, it has emotions and it also reproduces somehow - over long periods of time, of course - it is alive! and important for a good story - there is no good novel that i can think of right now that hasn't developed the society 'section' of the book). I could use some kind of a software for this (ywriter is just the nicest thing), but i would like to start slow, not stress about for characters and stuff. Once i imagine them, most of them anyway, i can start filling out their 'files'. Enough planning, let's get this baby rolling!
Why did i choose kids and young adults? Well, there are several reasons, among which the most important: young people are the future. Also, i'm young myself and it would be a bit childish to try to write for older people, since i'm not old enough to have their expertise and experience and i don't yet 'get' them. Besides, i like writing informally and i don't do bullshit. So if you want something seemingly 'elevated' and complicated, i'm not the person to talk to. I'll ask you so many questions that you'll end up doubting your own preconceived ideas (which is actually a good thing generally, but not for those in the situation where their belief systems are crumbling from the inside without a way to keep them up).
So that's my decision and i'll keep up with it, in parallel with all the other stuff that i'm doing and writing and thinking. I think that i only got this idea and this drive because i've been writing in the past few days. Writing useless stuff makes it easier to concentrate on the important things when they show up. Like noticing (and writing down) an idea such as this. Even without emotional support from anybody (well, you know what i mean), i can begin this journey. And the support will show up when i'm out of breath and need someone to give me a sip of water and an arm to keep me going. Or maybe it won't, but who cares anyway. It's not like my mind depends on anyone else's health but mine. Well, it does to an extent, but i can choose who those people are. Either way, the beginning is the worst, as i always say, but let's consider this 'blog' the beginning. Since it's anonymous, i can make my character sketches here, i can imagine the lands/landscapes they live and act in, their interactions, their history, the societies they live in (oh, the society is such a crucial part of a good novel, that's what many meh writers don't get. it's not enough to shape a character, the society it lives in is like another character. it breathes, it has emotions and it also reproduces somehow - over long periods of time, of course - it is alive! and important for a good story - there is no good novel that i can think of right now that hasn't developed the society 'section' of the book). I could use some kind of a software for this (ywriter is just the nicest thing), but i would like to start slow, not stress about for characters and stuff. Once i imagine them, most of them anyway, i can start filling out their 'files'. Enough planning, let's get this baby rolling!
Monday, February 9, 2015
Sandstone
Have you ever felt so tired that every muscle in your body tells you that it's time to take a break? Every muscle aches and you find out you have muscles you never even knew about (because that high school biology teacher focused more on dividing bacteria than human anatomy). That's not my case now, but it's close to it. I can feel my back muscles, from the bottom all the way up to my shoulders, some odd diagonal ab muscles (who knew about those?) and some very soft muscles that i wouldn't really want to mention because they belong on that tiny bike seat. You know what i mean. The reason why all the people who take part in bike contests wear those ridiculous padded pants that make them look like they just dumped one into their spandex shorts. It's great, though. Moving, even in winter, in this dirty, muddy town (it's not a city...) is essential for the body and the mind. I feel so tired and so good and so crazy for starting on all of these projects...
I bought a pair of lights for my bike today. And also got a pair of really old (i'd say vintage) rolls of wallpaper that i'll use to make some boxes or who knows what. They're pretty. Pretty simple. They look like kitchen tiles. Not the most inspired design, i should say. But they cost almost nothing (well, not quite nothing, 5$ is not nothing in my book), but they have a few good meters in them.
The flowers i started on Saturday are all scattered on my work table, unfinished. They're waiting for the end to come (and for me to get a break and actually have some time to finish them). Now i should be working on that translation, but my brain is shutting down and i can't concentrate any more. I think that 5 hours watching ethanol evaporate at a rate of 0.0001 g per minute is way too tiring for me to be able to function correctly at this hour. I still have to read my presentation out loud. I haven't yet had a chance to do it (read: i didn't actually want to do it), but tomorrow i have to hold it in front of everyone in my lab, meaning three people. Not a big deal, unless it's a half hour speech, in which case it is an enough of a deal. I couldn't do the 'wake up and read stuff out loud for 10 minutes every day' in the past two days. I think i must start with something, though. Somehow push myself to take the leap and at least read for 1 minute next morning. That doesn't seem like such a big challenge now, does it? Just like i started with 5 push-ups. I got to 15 in around two weeks, i'm a lazy person. But still, i had never been able to do 15 push-ups in my entire life. Because i had never wanted to. And i still do them some evenings when i don't feel so cold and tired. But since it's winter and my room has the tendency to be hot as hell 1 meter above the floor and cold like hell below that 1 meter, it kind-of sucks doing push-ups on the cold floor. It's not at all pleasant. Or inviting. So that's that.
I know that if i start with 1 minute i can grow it to 2 minutes the next day. Just like any exercise. Then add 1 minute each day until i get to a reasonable time that gets me energized (brain-wise) and doesn't waste too much of my morning time (which, fortunately, i can stretch however i want, the results matter, not me being at x sharp in the lab).
There are 100 words left and i don't feel like there is much more for me to say. I'm becoming a bit colder every day. I had another dream with my favorite dream character, that elusive guy that now would only show me a locksmith in Prague if i had some money. Of course i had money, who do you think i am, going to Prague without money. The funny thing is that it didn't look at all like Prague. I know that because i've been there. Nothing at all. It looked more like Alba-Iulia than anything. And i found a building, something like a train station with an amphitheater inside, with light yellow concrete/sandstone benches and a commercial was running on a big screen, with Stela Popescu showing me how she lost her belly fat. That was disturbing in so many ways. Then this guy somehow made it into that room and i started following him. Thankfully, he led me out a big wooden door, like the ones in old, huge cathedrals. The alarm broke off my pretty dream with a brutal sound. Maybe in a few months i'll see him again. Maybe one day i'll even meet this person who's been haunting my dreams since i was a kid (he doesn't get older, only i do...), just like it happened with two places that i've dreamt about.
I bought a pair of lights for my bike today. And also got a pair of really old (i'd say vintage) rolls of wallpaper that i'll use to make some boxes or who knows what. They're pretty. Pretty simple. They look like kitchen tiles. Not the most inspired design, i should say. But they cost almost nothing (well, not quite nothing, 5$ is not nothing in my book), but they have a few good meters in them.
The flowers i started on Saturday are all scattered on my work table, unfinished. They're waiting for the end to come (and for me to get a break and actually have some time to finish them). Now i should be working on that translation, but my brain is shutting down and i can't concentrate any more. I think that 5 hours watching ethanol evaporate at a rate of 0.0001 g per minute is way too tiring for me to be able to function correctly at this hour. I still have to read my presentation out loud. I haven't yet had a chance to do it (read: i didn't actually want to do it), but tomorrow i have to hold it in front of everyone in my lab, meaning three people. Not a big deal, unless it's a half hour speech, in which case it is an enough of a deal. I couldn't do the 'wake up and read stuff out loud for 10 minutes every day' in the past two days. I think i must start with something, though. Somehow push myself to take the leap and at least read for 1 minute next morning. That doesn't seem like such a big challenge now, does it? Just like i started with 5 push-ups. I got to 15 in around two weeks, i'm a lazy person. But still, i had never been able to do 15 push-ups in my entire life. Because i had never wanted to. And i still do them some evenings when i don't feel so cold and tired. But since it's winter and my room has the tendency to be hot as hell 1 meter above the floor and cold like hell below that 1 meter, it kind-of sucks doing push-ups on the cold floor. It's not at all pleasant. Or inviting. So that's that.
I know that if i start with 1 minute i can grow it to 2 minutes the next day. Just like any exercise. Then add 1 minute each day until i get to a reasonable time that gets me energized (brain-wise) and doesn't waste too much of my morning time (which, fortunately, i can stretch however i want, the results matter, not me being at x sharp in the lab).
There are 100 words left and i don't feel like there is much more for me to say. I'm becoming a bit colder every day. I had another dream with my favorite dream character, that elusive guy that now would only show me a locksmith in Prague if i had some money. Of course i had money, who do you think i am, going to Prague without money. The funny thing is that it didn't look at all like Prague. I know that because i've been there. Nothing at all. It looked more like Alba-Iulia than anything. And i found a building, something like a train station with an amphitheater inside, with light yellow concrete/sandstone benches and a commercial was running on a big screen, with Stela Popescu showing me how she lost her belly fat. That was disturbing in so many ways. Then this guy somehow made it into that room and i started following him. Thankfully, he led me out a big wooden door, like the ones in old, huge cathedrals. The alarm broke off my pretty dream with a brutal sound. Maybe in a few months i'll see him again. Maybe one day i'll even meet this person who's been haunting my dreams since i was a kid (he doesn't get older, only i do...), just like it happened with two places that i've dreamt about.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Spoke
Yay, i finally ended my quest for finding a bike. It all happened as i had expected it to. It came from someone who has nothing to do with the places i had intended to buy from (by the way, the guy who wouldn't answer his phone last week sent me a message apologizing for being out of the city. no shit, bike-guy, i thought you were just ignoring a potential customer. oh wait, you were doing that). It looks and works much better than any bike i could have found for my budget and it was even below my initial budget, let alone the new budget that i had thought would bring me a better array of offers. And, as luck would have it, it wasn't even listed anywhere. I just asked some guy in an online bike service (he does the service offline, but advertises on facebook, as if that's going to work... well, it did for me) if he didn't have a bike for me within my budget. He was going to receive one today and was going to let me know about it. I did not expect him to actually keep to his word, so i was so happy that he wrote a message just at the right time. I called him to tell him i'll come to see the bike and he wouldn't let me finish the conversation, kept on telling me how awesome the bike is (for that kind of money...). If your customer is coming to your shop/service/whatever, that's the place to make the sale, not on the phone call that had the sole purpose of letting you know that the potential customer is coming over. I got there a bit earlier, got a little bit of love and a bit of a stink from the resident dog (who's a cutie) and saw the bike. I don't know how to judge bikes and used my little knowledge accumulated during the past two weeks to inspect the bike. It looked all right. He adjusted things here and there and let me go on a little ride out on the street. I had not ridden a bike for more than five years prior to this moment. Thankfully, one never forgets how to ride a bike (unless they suffer from brain damage, but that's a long stretch), so, after a few hiccups, i was up and running, riding actually, trying out this beauty. Well, this nice bike, it's not beautiful in the 'classic' sense of the word, but it's wonderful for me. I love it. So i bought it at a really good price (i have a hunch that the guy sold it to me cheaper because i'm a woman and he really needed some cash - i had not expected him to be my own age, ah well). No matter the reason for the really good price, i think it was a really nice acquisition. I'll now be able to go around the city and dance at the milongas and meet my friends again, after spending so many months in this dump (no, really, walking through mud every day to the university seems a bit off-putting). Today i couldn't see the mud from the light coat of snow that has been falling for the past two days, but it's there, i can feel it.
Feeling brave and suddenly freed by some anonymous force, i decided to pedal back home. It would have been a long and boring walk home beside my new bike. So what if there was a whole lot of snow everywhere? I was so happy to be on a bike and move faster than before. So what if, because of the kick scooter, i'm afraid of even the smallest bump in the road and all the ascents/descents to and from the sidewalk? So what if i don't yet have enough control of the bike to navigate tight spaces? I did get home on the bike, with my legs somewhat locked within themselves, having fallen only once on my face because i clutched the brakes when i didn't have to and they did their thing and stopped me in my path. I only locked the front brakes a bit, but i'm a problem solver, so i solved this in a few minutes, while the snow was piling up on my head. It was so odd, riding with the blizzard sending bits of fluffy ice in my eyes, in my nose. I couldn't breathe, but i've been practicing, so i relaxed and took long, deep breaths to calm down my heart and keep going. Half of the time i was going down anyway. I don't know why i felt the need to go such a long way, i could have taken a much shorter route, it felt safer this way. Less of a difference in height. To my surprise, changing speeds was so easy and after a few minutes it became so normal, that i was able to cross my most hated bridge in two minutes or something. That was a victory! I'm so proud of this bike, even though the roads suck and the traffic is crazy and it was snowing. I made it home safely and will cherish this day for a long time to come. This has been the first step in a, hopefully, very long journey. The hills and surrounding villages await, the mountains and the rivers and the lakes are there just for the taking. Spring and summer, here i come. I've never felt so joyous for having a bike. Nor have i ever been so thankful for it. Now i am.
Regarding the other things, my feelings towards certain people, the ones i'm not talking about, i'd like to say that today i have hit a new low in how bad i feel about this pseudo-friendship of mine with this sweet person far, far away. It seems like every day we drift more and more apart, like he finds excuses (and gets into situations and has things happen to him and his other friends) to not talk to me. It's sad. It hurts. But i'm a strong human being and will get over it. I watched a few TED talks today, one by a french Buddhist monk who seems like a really nice person. He reminded me of the use of mental training. Part of it can be done in writing, acknowledging your feelings and letting them go, cleaning your 'mirror', but part of it can only be done in silent meditation. I think, i don't know, i've tried both methods, writing is much more effective for me in times like these when there is so much going on that thinking is too chaotic or repetitive to be enough for letting go of things. Once written, these feelings can stay written, there is no need to take them back into the mind.
I've been reading Oliver Sacks' Awakenings these last few days, it's a wonderful book that somehow touches me way beyond the clinical/social aspects. I feel these people who had survived until the book was written. They were the last fighters, all smart and exceptional in their own way, none of them is ordinary. It feels like an ordinary person with that illness and the syndrome following the illness would not have made it far. Only the most creative, resilient, strong people made it to 60-70 years of age with that illness. Because they refused to give in to despair and anger, even though they lived more than half or even two thirds of their lives locked inside, unable to move most of the time. They all wrote in their journals. It was so odd to read that. They expressed their feelings in a way they never could have through speech. I feel like one of those people, except i'm young, can move in whichever way i want, and have access to a whole lot of technology, people and research. What is wrong with this head of mine...
Feeling brave and suddenly freed by some anonymous force, i decided to pedal back home. It would have been a long and boring walk home beside my new bike. So what if there was a whole lot of snow everywhere? I was so happy to be on a bike and move faster than before. So what if, because of the kick scooter, i'm afraid of even the smallest bump in the road and all the ascents/descents to and from the sidewalk? So what if i don't yet have enough control of the bike to navigate tight spaces? I did get home on the bike, with my legs somewhat locked within themselves, having fallen only once on my face because i clutched the brakes when i didn't have to and they did their thing and stopped me in my path. I only locked the front brakes a bit, but i'm a problem solver, so i solved this in a few minutes, while the snow was piling up on my head. It was so odd, riding with the blizzard sending bits of fluffy ice in my eyes, in my nose. I couldn't breathe, but i've been practicing, so i relaxed and took long, deep breaths to calm down my heart and keep going. Half of the time i was going down anyway. I don't know why i felt the need to go such a long way, i could have taken a much shorter route, it felt safer this way. Less of a difference in height. To my surprise, changing speeds was so easy and after a few minutes it became so normal, that i was able to cross my most hated bridge in two minutes or something. That was a victory! I'm so proud of this bike, even though the roads suck and the traffic is crazy and it was snowing. I made it home safely and will cherish this day for a long time to come. This has been the first step in a, hopefully, very long journey. The hills and surrounding villages await, the mountains and the rivers and the lakes are there just for the taking. Spring and summer, here i come. I've never felt so joyous for having a bike. Nor have i ever been so thankful for it. Now i am.
Regarding the other things, my feelings towards certain people, the ones i'm not talking about, i'd like to say that today i have hit a new low in how bad i feel about this pseudo-friendship of mine with this sweet person far, far away. It seems like every day we drift more and more apart, like he finds excuses (and gets into situations and has things happen to him and his other friends) to not talk to me. It's sad. It hurts. But i'm a strong human being and will get over it. I watched a few TED talks today, one by a french Buddhist monk who seems like a really nice person. He reminded me of the use of mental training. Part of it can be done in writing, acknowledging your feelings and letting them go, cleaning your 'mirror', but part of it can only be done in silent meditation. I think, i don't know, i've tried both methods, writing is much more effective for me in times like these when there is so much going on that thinking is too chaotic or repetitive to be enough for letting go of things. Once written, these feelings can stay written, there is no need to take them back into the mind.
I've been reading Oliver Sacks' Awakenings these last few days, it's a wonderful book that somehow touches me way beyond the clinical/social aspects. I feel these people who had survived until the book was written. They were the last fighters, all smart and exceptional in their own way, none of them is ordinary. It feels like an ordinary person with that illness and the syndrome following the illness would not have made it far. Only the most creative, resilient, strong people made it to 60-70 years of age with that illness. Because they refused to give in to despair and anger, even though they lived more than half or even two thirds of their lives locked inside, unable to move most of the time. They all wrote in their journals. It was so odd to read that. They expressed their feelings in a way they never could have through speech. I feel like one of those people, except i'm young, can move in whichever way i want, and have access to a whole lot of technology, people and research. What is wrong with this head of mine...
Voice
Dear friend,
Today i chose a different way of addressing you, since we're getting to know each other. At first i was a bit shy, you know me. Actually, i know me. I'm slow to start things, but once i get going, it's quite difficult to stop. Today i managed to do a lot of work, compared to the past few weeks, the past two months. I was finally able to let go and start working again on many topics at the same time. That's how i roll. So today i managed to watch a half-hour training video and watch a really good movie (that i'd love for you to see as well, it's as close as it gets to great cinematography) with a really nice speech toward the end - Any given Sunday; i made a bunch of pansies (yes, i just used that not in a pejorative way, i did make a bunch of pretty little flowers) and i still need to attach the centers and brooch pins, i took some pictures of my rings (that i love oh so much, even though i can barely stand stuff on my fingers and i'm sure that if i ever got to be given a ring by someone, i'd rather turn it into a tattoo and wear it forever - because i'm intense like that) and edited them to put them online, so i did a small update on my facebook page (that update doesn't get to anyone unless i start paying facebook, which is something that i won't be doing anytime soon). I just finished crocheting a cute heart (i saw crochet hearts made by someone i admire and decided that i need at least one too... i found some tutorials, it's not quite perfect, but it's the first and i like it - plus, it's made of an upcycled yarn which, unfortunately, has some knots in it because someone - me? my sister? my sister's boyfriend? - decided that it wouldn't be such a problem to make a yarn ball with bits of yarn. Well, it is. I'm pretty sure i wasn't the one to wind that yarn. Either way, i'm thankful that they helped me, the yarn itself is so soft and strong at the same time, it's perfect for amigurumi. I think i'll make a bunny out of it. I'll start on it tomorrow, the tutorial has been here in my browser for far too long and the bunny itself is far too cute.
While working on my pansies i somehow set off the smoke alarm (it's sensitive to CO and natural gas, and since i wasn't using any gas, i suppose that my tool makes CO, which is not very safe or smart and i may have intoxicated myself somewhat - that's stupid and the next time i'll use that tool i'll also keep the window nicely open). The advantages of the soldering iron are almost overwhelmed by the major disadvantage of turning my fabrics into partially burned organic matter. The open window should solve that problem. Thankfully, the winter is almost over. We just had a magical flurry yesterday, with the wind almost blowing me off the damned bridge (the one that i hate) yesterday, while returning from my useless adventure in the most populated village of my country - it is still a village, you can literally drown in mud while trying to walk around there - and to think that i was going to buy a bike there - i wouldn't have made it out alive.
I also read about DAAD today, the institution that gives scholarships to great students and doctoral students and researchers to go study in Germany. There are quite a few requirements there to apply for a scholarship and i'll only try to get one for my last year, but i should prepare. One of the things i'm not so sure about is the language test. Sure, if they wanted to assess my language skills, they could just look me up on the internet and see that i'm an active writer and contributor to different projects, but they won't do that. They'll make me pay a rigid institution a huge amount of money to give me a grade (a grade, didn't i tell you two days ago that i hate grades? yeah, i did) that doesn't even begin to reflect my skills relating to that language (most probably English, since the institution that I want to go to is quite open to communicating in English). This does not mean that i'll stop learning German, i'm just starting and so far it's really nice, especially since i know how to read correctly (unlike many other people trying to learn German). The funny thing is that i don't even bother learning from a Romanian book, i'm learning directly from English, in English, just like i did with Spanish. And do you know what's even funnier? That French didn't even stick to me as well as Spanish did. Why? Maybe because i listen to Spanish speaking singers all day long and i rarely hear any French. I've been wanting to practice my speech in all of these languages, but i just can't seem to make myself open my mouth and articulate all of these things. It's so tiring and i know that i should put some time away every day for diction and inflection and everything related to speaking, just what i'm doing with writing. But i'm also conscious that there are only so many hours in a day. If i dedicate x hours to this thing, then y to that thing, then 0.z to that other one, they all add up to too much. There is not enough time in the day for me to do all that i want, but i must fit them in somehow. They must become a habit.
The nicest thing people have told me after my speeches at 5MS was that i have a nice voice. I've always hated my voice, it sounds as if it comes out of a barrel. It's not at all feminine and i was never quite able to sing properly. I can do high notes, but i don't usually go there, so my voice is untrained. Except when i need to explain something, in which case my voice turns into something that i'm not quite sure of and sounds like one of those storytellers charming the children. So there is that in my and it only comes out at times, when i get center stage and there's nobody speaking over me (which is what happens most of the time in social situations). Maybe i should use it more at home, now that i'm alone and nobody would be bothered by me saying stuff in English or Spanish or French or German. Maybe i should set a special day for each language, with 15 minutes of reading out loud every day. Not in the morning. Or... maybe in the morning, since i can't seem to be able to speak as i wake up (and never feel like it either). It would be a double challenge. Can i face it? Instead of waiting 10 minutes for the next alarm, i could just wake up my brain with a little speech. Yes, that would be nice... Let's see what happens.
Today i chose a different way of addressing you, since we're getting to know each other. At first i was a bit shy, you know me. Actually, i know me. I'm slow to start things, but once i get going, it's quite difficult to stop. Today i managed to do a lot of work, compared to the past few weeks, the past two months. I was finally able to let go and start working again on many topics at the same time. That's how i roll. So today i managed to watch a half-hour training video and watch a really good movie (that i'd love for you to see as well, it's as close as it gets to great cinematography) with a really nice speech toward the end - Any given Sunday; i made a bunch of pansies (yes, i just used that not in a pejorative way, i did make a bunch of pretty little flowers) and i still need to attach the centers and brooch pins, i took some pictures of my rings (that i love oh so much, even though i can barely stand stuff on my fingers and i'm sure that if i ever got to be given a ring by someone, i'd rather turn it into a tattoo and wear it forever - because i'm intense like that) and edited them to put them online, so i did a small update on my facebook page (that update doesn't get to anyone unless i start paying facebook, which is something that i won't be doing anytime soon). I just finished crocheting a cute heart (i saw crochet hearts made by someone i admire and decided that i need at least one too... i found some tutorials, it's not quite perfect, but it's the first and i like it - plus, it's made of an upcycled yarn which, unfortunately, has some knots in it because someone - me? my sister? my sister's boyfriend? - decided that it wouldn't be such a problem to make a yarn ball with bits of yarn. Well, it is. I'm pretty sure i wasn't the one to wind that yarn. Either way, i'm thankful that they helped me, the yarn itself is so soft and strong at the same time, it's perfect for amigurumi. I think i'll make a bunny out of it. I'll start on it tomorrow, the tutorial has been here in my browser for far too long and the bunny itself is far too cute.
While working on my pansies i somehow set off the smoke alarm (it's sensitive to CO and natural gas, and since i wasn't using any gas, i suppose that my tool makes CO, which is not very safe or smart and i may have intoxicated myself somewhat - that's stupid and the next time i'll use that tool i'll also keep the window nicely open). The advantages of the soldering iron are almost overwhelmed by the major disadvantage of turning my fabrics into partially burned organic matter. The open window should solve that problem. Thankfully, the winter is almost over. We just had a magical flurry yesterday, with the wind almost blowing me off the damned bridge (the one that i hate) yesterday, while returning from my useless adventure in the most populated village of my country - it is still a village, you can literally drown in mud while trying to walk around there - and to think that i was going to buy a bike there - i wouldn't have made it out alive.
I also read about DAAD today, the institution that gives scholarships to great students and doctoral students and researchers to go study in Germany. There are quite a few requirements there to apply for a scholarship and i'll only try to get one for my last year, but i should prepare. One of the things i'm not so sure about is the language test. Sure, if they wanted to assess my language skills, they could just look me up on the internet and see that i'm an active writer and contributor to different projects, but they won't do that. They'll make me pay a rigid institution a huge amount of money to give me a grade (a grade, didn't i tell you two days ago that i hate grades? yeah, i did) that doesn't even begin to reflect my skills relating to that language (most probably English, since the institution that I want to go to is quite open to communicating in English). This does not mean that i'll stop learning German, i'm just starting and so far it's really nice, especially since i know how to read correctly (unlike many other people trying to learn German). The funny thing is that i don't even bother learning from a Romanian book, i'm learning directly from English, in English, just like i did with Spanish. And do you know what's even funnier? That French didn't even stick to me as well as Spanish did. Why? Maybe because i listen to Spanish speaking singers all day long and i rarely hear any French. I've been wanting to practice my speech in all of these languages, but i just can't seem to make myself open my mouth and articulate all of these things. It's so tiring and i know that i should put some time away every day for diction and inflection and everything related to speaking, just what i'm doing with writing. But i'm also conscious that there are only so many hours in a day. If i dedicate x hours to this thing, then y to that thing, then 0.z to that other one, they all add up to too much. There is not enough time in the day for me to do all that i want, but i must fit them in somehow. They must become a habit.
The nicest thing people have told me after my speeches at 5MS was that i have a nice voice. I've always hated my voice, it sounds as if it comes out of a barrel. It's not at all feminine and i was never quite able to sing properly. I can do high notes, but i don't usually go there, so my voice is untrained. Except when i need to explain something, in which case my voice turns into something that i'm not quite sure of and sounds like one of those storytellers charming the children. So there is that in my and it only comes out at times, when i get center stage and there's nobody speaking over me (which is what happens most of the time in social situations). Maybe i should use it more at home, now that i'm alone and nobody would be bothered by me saying stuff in English or Spanish or French or German. Maybe i should set a special day for each language, with 15 minutes of reading out loud every day. Not in the morning. Or... maybe in the morning, since i can't seem to be able to speak as i wake up (and never feel like it either). It would be a double challenge. Can i face it? Instead of waiting 10 minutes for the next alarm, i could just wake up my brain with a little speech. Yes, that would be nice... Let's see what happens.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Merry
This 'i wrote a lot today in my notebook' excuse has to stop its existence. It is not acceptable for more than one day in a row. I did write a bit yesterday on a piece of paper because i was confused about something and i needed to get it out of my system and just couldn't do it here because i was at the university. The nice thing about working there is that, although it's mind draining (oh, yes it is), there are still times of complete calm when there's apparently nothing for me to do, so i have to find something to do. So i finished the article about the artificial intelligence and i it was a bit odd that they wouldn't mention (not even in the comments) the fact that we are as we are mostly because of our emotions. That we function based on emotions. That our brains work mostly on emotions. One cannot take a 'good' decision without an emotional brain. So there will definitely be no ASI (artificial superintelligence) without a system that works like our emotional brains! A computer cannot take decisions on its own because it has no way of knowing what would have a higher, better emotional impact. Unless it learns to think like we do and there are computers already learning quite a few things that many people thought would not be possible for a long while. Maybe our ASI will be friendly because it is anthropomorphic and thinks and acts like a (good/empathic) human being. But that's all in that little paper of mine. Sure, it's written in Romanian and i might find it archived somewhere among my papers in a few years and i'll marvel at how smart i was back now, but that's not what i wanted to write to you about today. There are so many things, but the nice part is that they don't bother me like they usually did.
For one, yesterday i found (again) a drawing from a friend. It's more than six years old. Actually, it's exactly as old as my friendship with this friend of mine that i love. And that nicest part about the drawing is that is illustrates perfectly the impression he left me when he went home (and i stayed on in my new adoptive city) and i met this wonderful other person who is still a dear friend and who gave me this drawing of this guy that i had just met a few days before. I was struck then, just as i am struck now, by how much this portrait looked like him. He doesn't fit with this image any more, that devilish smile is gone and so are the glasses for most of the time (when he talks to me on skype, anyway, which is around once a year or something). Still, there is a chance of that grin returning if he works hard enough on his confidence. I wanted to show him the drawing via skype, just the drawing, because i had promised i would do it, he declined the call. Of course, he was busy, no problem. The problem is my scanner wouldn't work (that is, connect to my computer) and i can't scan the drawing. I wanted to scan it and send it to him like that, but my scanner refuses this task. So i'm left with trying to get a call through when he obviously uses skype less and less (or maybe is just invisible most of the time, which is as bad for me because i don't want to check any more) just to show him a drawing of himself from a few years ago. Done by my friend who never met him until this winter and who has probably already forgotten about that drawing, just like i had before this last Christmas, when i felt the urge to explore some old drawing notebooks. It was there, waiting. Your time will come, little portrait. Maybe i should clean it up first, though. I can't seem to locate any of my erasers (i had quite a few). They all vanished, but i'll find a way.
It is not a priority, though. Right now a priority would be finishing those presentations, getting my papers in order for my legal form (yeah, my 'business') and making a few flowers for the upcoming holiday. Oh, and getting a bike. A good bike. Today i saw quite a few, very bad. In a bad shape and something i could not see myself riding. My bike at home is so perfect compared to these (i haven't ridden a bike in 5 years at least, but i remember the feeling on getting on that bike - much easier than getting on any of these).
Still, something caught my eye today (besides all those articles on cement and pore sizes and oh, i'm so tired and so excited about this). Since i've still got a problem (not as big as before, but it's still there), ah, it's so difficult to admit this, but i visited his profile. Because it's soothing somehow, to see that he's alive and doing things. Not so much, except for an excerpt from a movie 'We accept the love we think we deserve.'. What the hell is that supposed to be? A message to the universe? Yes, it's a truism and the least elaborate of them. Is it a message to someone? Do i care? The thing is, i don't really. I thought i would be a bit affected by it, but i'm not. Not after a few days ago (the day before yesterday), when i finally realized that nothing will happen between us in the coming years. Mostly because i'm stuck doing my PhD (don't get me wrong, i love it) and he'll be stuck doing stuff at his new and awesome job (pushing papers, most probably, in the beginning, at least) at his awesome dream company. In another country 2000 km away. For the next few years. I told him i'd like to live in Germany in three years (i'm tired of trying to be the nice one here in my own country and there is no way i'm getting a job based on my skills here) and his reaction was 'God forbid'. What does that mean? Except for hurt. I have no idea, but one point is clear. Despite my wishes and goodwill and efforts to bring us together somewhere somehow, it's not going to work in the near future. And i'll just be heartbroken for a while. Then just alone for a longer time. And he'll be the same, because he knows what the reality is. We're both twisted and not easy to understand and we have this gift of communicating through our thoughts and eyes and touch, no need for words. But it only works with each other, everyone else is more or less immune to it. I know he's as crazy as i am and i'll be happy to grow and learn along him, making fun of things and people and situations and us and each other. But he 'doesn't think he deserves' my love. What can one do?
For one, yesterday i found (again) a drawing from a friend. It's more than six years old. Actually, it's exactly as old as my friendship with this friend of mine that i love. And that nicest part about the drawing is that is illustrates perfectly the impression he left me when he went home (and i stayed on in my new adoptive city) and i met this wonderful other person who is still a dear friend and who gave me this drawing of this guy that i had just met a few days before. I was struck then, just as i am struck now, by how much this portrait looked like him. He doesn't fit with this image any more, that devilish smile is gone and so are the glasses for most of the time (when he talks to me on skype, anyway, which is around once a year or something). Still, there is a chance of that grin returning if he works hard enough on his confidence. I wanted to show him the drawing via skype, just the drawing, because i had promised i would do it, he declined the call. Of course, he was busy, no problem. The problem is my scanner wouldn't work (that is, connect to my computer) and i can't scan the drawing. I wanted to scan it and send it to him like that, but my scanner refuses this task. So i'm left with trying to get a call through when he obviously uses skype less and less (or maybe is just invisible most of the time, which is as bad for me because i don't want to check any more) just to show him a drawing of himself from a few years ago. Done by my friend who never met him until this winter and who has probably already forgotten about that drawing, just like i had before this last Christmas, when i felt the urge to explore some old drawing notebooks. It was there, waiting. Your time will come, little portrait. Maybe i should clean it up first, though. I can't seem to locate any of my erasers (i had quite a few). They all vanished, but i'll find a way.
It is not a priority, though. Right now a priority would be finishing those presentations, getting my papers in order for my legal form (yeah, my 'business') and making a few flowers for the upcoming holiday. Oh, and getting a bike. A good bike. Today i saw quite a few, very bad. In a bad shape and something i could not see myself riding. My bike at home is so perfect compared to these (i haven't ridden a bike in 5 years at least, but i remember the feeling on getting on that bike - much easier than getting on any of these).
Still, something caught my eye today (besides all those articles on cement and pore sizes and oh, i'm so tired and so excited about this). Since i've still got a problem (not as big as before, but it's still there), ah, it's so difficult to admit this, but i visited his profile. Because it's soothing somehow, to see that he's alive and doing things. Not so much, except for an excerpt from a movie 'We accept the love we think we deserve.'. What the hell is that supposed to be? A message to the universe? Yes, it's a truism and the least elaborate of them. Is it a message to someone? Do i care? The thing is, i don't really. I thought i would be a bit affected by it, but i'm not. Not after a few days ago (the day before yesterday), when i finally realized that nothing will happen between us in the coming years. Mostly because i'm stuck doing my PhD (don't get me wrong, i love it) and he'll be stuck doing stuff at his new and awesome job (pushing papers, most probably, in the beginning, at least) at his awesome dream company. In another country 2000 km away. For the next few years. I told him i'd like to live in Germany in three years (i'm tired of trying to be the nice one here in my own country and there is no way i'm getting a job based on my skills here) and his reaction was 'God forbid'. What does that mean? Except for hurt. I have no idea, but one point is clear. Despite my wishes and goodwill and efforts to bring us together somewhere somehow, it's not going to work in the near future. And i'll just be heartbroken for a while. Then just alone for a longer time. And he'll be the same, because he knows what the reality is. We're both twisted and not easy to understand and we have this gift of communicating through our thoughts and eyes and touch, no need for words. But it only works with each other, everyone else is more or less immune to it. I know he's as crazy as i am and i'll be happy to grow and learn along him, making fun of things and people and situations and us and each other. But he 'doesn't think he deserves' my love. What can one do?
Monday, February 2, 2015
Cotton
Going crazy here. I feel that what i do is useless. Maybe i should get out to breathe some fresh air. Maybe i should just open the window a bit. It's so cold in here and so warm in the lab, but i wouldn't work from there, it's not so pleasant as having your own bed and toilet and kitchen a few meters away. Nope, opening the window does not help, just makes me restless. Well, maybe a few pushups will help, in a few minutes.
First i'd like to tell you what a nice thing happened today. I found two curtains, the thin kind, made of cotton, 100%, nice and soft, but not too soft, somewhat transparent (the weave is quite wide, but not too wide) and really big for what i need. I want to cut them up and make shirts out of them. I know, right? Crazy woman here. People cut up shirts to make all sorts of shit (yes, shit is the word for some of those 'DIY' projects and their results) and i want to cut up a curtain to make a shirt?? I forgot to mention it's a traditional blouse rather than a shirt and it's supposed to have a certain feel to it. It can't be made out of any fabric, especially not synthetic, since i'll be doing a lot of embroidering on it and it needs to breathe when worn, so i don't stink it up and have to wash it too often. Besides, some designs only work on a certain type of fabric and i've been looking for fabrics like crazy in the past month and everything i've found to be decent is sooo expensive that i can't possibly think about buying any of that without knowing exactly how much fabric i'll need. I wouldn't want to waste my money on precious fabrics when i have no idea what i'm doing. So i'll start with upcycled/recycled fabrics. At first i wanted silk (because i'm crazy like that, and have enough silk to cover all my walls in a colorful mosaic), but it's too tight and i would really go crazy trying to do embroidery on it, counting the threads. Yeah, i forgot to mention that you don't just embroider any fabric in any way, there is a system, a structure that must be followed. And in order to have the most mathematically correct and esthetically pleasing design, one must count the threads. And make calculations beforehand, making everything symmetrical and beautiful. In order to do that, you can't use any kind of fabric. It would be great if i had access to hand woven fabric, but that's even more expensive, i can't even begin to imagine how much.
So now you can imagine my happiness at finding this fabric today. I also have a friend who started sewing already (for a few test runs, nothing fancy) and she lacks proper fabric for the same reason that i do. It's difficult to find. So, excited as i was, i wrote her a few messages some hours ago. I would love it if we made 'matching' blouses, in the sense that they have the same fabric (because everything else would be completely different), they would be like sisters. She is a very dear person to me and i'd love it if she finally read that message of mine. Unfortunately for both of us, she hasn't and i've been waiting for a sign for quite a few hours. Waiting for people to see my messages (especially the ones with really good news) makes me anxious like hell. I hate that. So i've been quite productive while waiting for an answer. I finished 'picking' the designs from my two favorite shirts from my region and drew them on my nice notebook that i'm sure i'll love forever, even though it's full of mistakes and i've already torn a few pages out of it. Then i used a bead design software to digitize them, i didn't know what else to use. It looks almost like the graph paper that i'll be using soon to transcribe them again, this time hopefully with no mistakes. The only problem is that it's made for beads, so the 'squares' are actually a bit too tall, they're rectangles. Tough luck, what can i say. What software can i use to create pixel-like designs like the ones used on traditional blouses? The thing is there are many ways to represent a stitch in embroidery and i was lucky for only getting to draw one with only crosses (because the blouses from my region are made in a simple fashion), but how about the more complicated ones from Transylvania. Our intellectual leader, the woman who started the movement and made me (by just being inspiring, nor personally) start my own journey toward a traditional blouse of my own, she has the tools and knows how to use them. I just wish she'd teach some more people how to do what she does, so that there will be more contributors to this growing community. I'm sure i'm not the only young person doing this and i'm not the only one who is computer literate, so getting a quick demo from her should probably make things work faster. Who knows...
For now i'll just be content to have found this beautiful fabric, i'll do a test run with the needle and i'll start designing my shirt. Oh yes, there is a bit of work there, starting from scratch and only a few photos. But you learn by doing :D Plus, there's a whole community of people who can tell me what i did right and wrong, i'm sure they'll be nice to me, even though they're not always nice...
First i'd like to tell you what a nice thing happened today. I found two curtains, the thin kind, made of cotton, 100%, nice and soft, but not too soft, somewhat transparent (the weave is quite wide, but not too wide) and really big for what i need. I want to cut them up and make shirts out of them. I know, right? Crazy woman here. People cut up shirts to make all sorts of shit (yes, shit is the word for some of those 'DIY' projects and their results) and i want to cut up a curtain to make a shirt?? I forgot to mention it's a traditional blouse rather than a shirt and it's supposed to have a certain feel to it. It can't be made out of any fabric, especially not synthetic, since i'll be doing a lot of embroidering on it and it needs to breathe when worn, so i don't stink it up and have to wash it too often. Besides, some designs only work on a certain type of fabric and i've been looking for fabrics like crazy in the past month and everything i've found to be decent is sooo expensive that i can't possibly think about buying any of that without knowing exactly how much fabric i'll need. I wouldn't want to waste my money on precious fabrics when i have no idea what i'm doing. So i'll start with upcycled/recycled fabrics. At first i wanted silk (because i'm crazy like that, and have enough silk to cover all my walls in a colorful mosaic), but it's too tight and i would really go crazy trying to do embroidery on it, counting the threads. Yeah, i forgot to mention that you don't just embroider any fabric in any way, there is a system, a structure that must be followed. And in order to have the most mathematically correct and esthetically pleasing design, one must count the threads. And make calculations beforehand, making everything symmetrical and beautiful. In order to do that, you can't use any kind of fabric. It would be great if i had access to hand woven fabric, but that's even more expensive, i can't even begin to imagine how much.
So now you can imagine my happiness at finding this fabric today. I also have a friend who started sewing already (for a few test runs, nothing fancy) and she lacks proper fabric for the same reason that i do. It's difficult to find. So, excited as i was, i wrote her a few messages some hours ago. I would love it if we made 'matching' blouses, in the sense that they have the same fabric (because everything else would be completely different), they would be like sisters. She is a very dear person to me and i'd love it if she finally read that message of mine. Unfortunately for both of us, she hasn't and i've been waiting for a sign for quite a few hours. Waiting for people to see my messages (especially the ones with really good news) makes me anxious like hell. I hate that. So i've been quite productive while waiting for an answer. I finished 'picking' the designs from my two favorite shirts from my region and drew them on my nice notebook that i'm sure i'll love forever, even though it's full of mistakes and i've already torn a few pages out of it. Then i used a bead design software to digitize them, i didn't know what else to use. It looks almost like the graph paper that i'll be using soon to transcribe them again, this time hopefully with no mistakes. The only problem is that it's made for beads, so the 'squares' are actually a bit too tall, they're rectangles. Tough luck, what can i say. What software can i use to create pixel-like designs like the ones used on traditional blouses? The thing is there are many ways to represent a stitch in embroidery and i was lucky for only getting to draw one with only crosses (because the blouses from my region are made in a simple fashion), but how about the more complicated ones from Transylvania. Our intellectual leader, the woman who started the movement and made me (by just being inspiring, nor personally) start my own journey toward a traditional blouse of my own, she has the tools and knows how to use them. I just wish she'd teach some more people how to do what she does, so that there will be more contributors to this growing community. I'm sure i'm not the only young person doing this and i'm not the only one who is computer literate, so getting a quick demo from her should probably make things work faster. Who knows...
For now i'll just be content to have found this beautiful fabric, i'll do a test run with the needle and i'll start designing my shirt. Oh yes, there is a bit of work there, starting from scratch and only a few photos. But you learn by doing :D Plus, there's a whole community of people who can tell me what i did right and wrong, i'm sure they'll be nice to me, even though they're not always nice...
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Vacuum
I stumbled upon my own words. I'm stuck, my eyes are crying out loud
(not actually crying, for a change) that they need a break from this
monitor. I love my computer and apparently i can sit in front of it for
hours on end. What i do is useful, although i'd like to spend time doing
stuff away from it as well, especially during the weekend. The sad fact
is that there are so many things that i want/must do on my computer,
that i leave almost no time for offline activities. When i say offline i
actually mean off electricity, not so much off the internet. Not
everything i do is on the web, for example today i transcribed symbols
from an old traditional Romanian shirt onto a sheet of paper, from a
photo i took exactly a month ago. It's ready to be put into my new
notebook that i've been using to gather up all the symbols. It's almost
ready to be 'pasted' onto graph paper, so i can finally se what the
pretty model should look like on a piece of fabric. And then maybe i can
finally start actually sewing something and maybe i'll finally decide
to start working on my new traditional-style shirt. I'll make it until
june 24th, i'll give you that. No matter what it takes, it will be ready
by that date. I haven't decided on the fabric yet, it's so expensive,
and the fabric that i already have is too dark (and won't bleach, which
sucks). Maybe i can find some nice fabric in second hand stores, like
always, who knows.
But
first! I really want that bike. Today i finished watching this film and
realized that i'm so far away from average living. I mean, i'm still
struggling to buy an affordable bike to run around town. Sure, i live in
the city and i'm highly educated (haha, what a joke), but i own next to
nothing. My most prized possession, besides my brain, of course, is the
laptop i'm writing on. Then there are a few more gadgets that add up to
the value of the laptop and the rest.. Well, the rest fits in a tiny
van, what with all my small tools, fabrics, books, clothes and
kitchenware. I barely even have a few pots. I never really needed many,
living in a dorm for so many years makes one wary of buying anything
that's not extremely important right now. I realize right now how simple
my life is. It's so funny, probably an American or a British person
would think i'm extremely poor, living in such a small studio apartment,
going to school in mud almost every day, being surrounded by heavy
trucks and factories in my tiny block of flats. My life was never
glamorous and i never tried to make it. Why would i paint it to seem
like something it's not? Right now i would probably afford a few more
things, but what am i to do with them? The bike is really important, a
new camera would be nice, but it would be useless if i don't keep on
creating and trying to sell my flowers.
I still want to make glamorous things, but i think there's a big conflict there. I don't get the mindset of my potential customers. I don't think like them and they don't live like me. I have no idea what i'm doing, probably just trying to get by to the next day until i find someone willing to share this life with me, to build something. I keep telling myself i've already found this person, but i have a hunch that he's not actually that interested or willing to work on this. And even if he did, it would take a few more years until we may live in the same city, let alone in the same place. I've never felt this so acutely. One of my discoveries today was the Aspire Academy, a summer school for rich kids who are 'the future leaders of tomorrow', that is, they are smart enough to get in and have enough money to pay the tax. It's a nice idea, had it not been for the extremely important factor of money. I always feel that programs like this are fake, since you need to have a certain social status to find out about them and to afford to get in. I have no idea whether they would accept me if it weren't for that tax. I'm a bit too cynical for them, maybe. Then again, being myself didn't prevent me from being among the 13 chosen from a pool of 2500 very talented and determined people who applied for the Engage in Conservation Project a while ago. I'd say that's rather a more impressive realization than getting into this summer school (which would probably 'teach' the same basic stuff you learn anywhere if you're interested in leadership and management). It's more of an opportunity for socializing and making connections that you would have to hand on to later on. I hate networking for the sole reason that you have to hang on to people, or else they lose interest in you in a very short time. I have good friends that i would trust with my life and i sometimes only talk to them once a year. Still, if i needed something from them or if they needed something from me, i'm sure there would be no problem, even if i had no idea what they were doing at the time. It's much easier to keep up with what people are doing through social media, but that paints a very biased picture of people's lives, so i'd rather not trust it to tell me the story of my friends. If i could find people like that in such a networking event/school, that would be good. But they are few and difficult to find and i've already found one who went to this academy. Or at least that's what i think, he still has to confirm this. Ah well. He says it helps, that the network of people he's built by going to these aspire events will help him build the future of our country. Too bad he, like most of the other participants, doesn't actually live here to see the real problems and find a solution from the inside. And too bad that, after taking part in one of their events, he decided that the guys he was supposed to meet afterwards were not worth the trouble. Because they're all in for the money to be made as the 'young and fabulous ambassadors of genius' or something. It's all a scam :( There may be some genuine people there, like i hope that he is (otherwise i'm in for a pretty intense heartache), but you don't need these events to keep up with them. Or to keep up with them at all. There are some pretty interesting people that i met in 2013 while taking part in Practica-ta that i haven't actually talked to since 2013, but i'm sure we'll meet again some day in some situation where we can help each other and we will because why not..?
I still want to make glamorous things, but i think there's a big conflict there. I don't get the mindset of my potential customers. I don't think like them and they don't live like me. I have no idea what i'm doing, probably just trying to get by to the next day until i find someone willing to share this life with me, to build something. I keep telling myself i've already found this person, but i have a hunch that he's not actually that interested or willing to work on this. And even if he did, it would take a few more years until we may live in the same city, let alone in the same place. I've never felt this so acutely. One of my discoveries today was the Aspire Academy, a summer school for rich kids who are 'the future leaders of tomorrow', that is, they are smart enough to get in and have enough money to pay the tax. It's a nice idea, had it not been for the extremely important factor of money. I always feel that programs like this are fake, since you need to have a certain social status to find out about them and to afford to get in. I have no idea whether they would accept me if it weren't for that tax. I'm a bit too cynical for them, maybe. Then again, being myself didn't prevent me from being among the 13 chosen from a pool of 2500 very talented and determined people who applied for the Engage in Conservation Project a while ago. I'd say that's rather a more impressive realization than getting into this summer school (which would probably 'teach' the same basic stuff you learn anywhere if you're interested in leadership and management). It's more of an opportunity for socializing and making connections that you would have to hand on to later on. I hate networking for the sole reason that you have to hang on to people, or else they lose interest in you in a very short time. I have good friends that i would trust with my life and i sometimes only talk to them once a year. Still, if i needed something from them or if they needed something from me, i'm sure there would be no problem, even if i had no idea what they were doing at the time. It's much easier to keep up with what people are doing through social media, but that paints a very biased picture of people's lives, so i'd rather not trust it to tell me the story of my friends. If i could find people like that in such a networking event/school, that would be good. But they are few and difficult to find and i've already found one who went to this academy. Or at least that's what i think, he still has to confirm this. Ah well. He says it helps, that the network of people he's built by going to these aspire events will help him build the future of our country. Too bad he, like most of the other participants, doesn't actually live here to see the real problems and find a solution from the inside. And too bad that, after taking part in one of their events, he decided that the guys he was supposed to meet afterwards were not worth the trouble. Because they're all in for the money to be made as the 'young and fabulous ambassadors of genius' or something. It's all a scam :( There may be some genuine people there, like i hope that he is (otherwise i'm in for a pretty intense heartache), but you don't need these events to keep up with them. Or to keep up with them at all. There are some pretty interesting people that i met in 2013 while taking part in Practica-ta that i haven't actually talked to since 2013, but i'm sure we'll meet again some day in some situation where we can help each other and we will because why not..?
A bridge
I'm cold. And tired. I tried sleeping earlier while feeling cold, it didn't work. I forgot to change my top after chasing my own shadow in the morning, going on a useless trip almost to the city center and then to the flea market. That was not the only useless trip for the day, just the first one. The sun was so bright that i remembered that now that i'm wearing contact lenses i need sunglasses. Can't get rid of them glasses no matter what. I was squinting the whole trip. I took my kick scooter out for a ride. I was 5 minutes late to a meeting that had taken place the day before and i had not been told. Should have checked before leaving. I woke up at 7 and fell back to sleep. Thankfully, i didn't leave that early on my useless trip. After i took a useless trip downtown (uptown, theoretically? the river flows from the west to the east), i visited the flea market to check on the available second-hand bikes. Tough luck, the guys selling what most probably are stolen bikes wouldn't leave the price below almost 100 euros. That's insane for a second hand bike. Really. What the hell are they thinking... Nobody will buy their precious stolen bikes at those prices. So i left, but not before scavenging in a pile of sweaters and finding two at the amazing price of 0.5 euros. Both. I should think i have enough sweaters, but i just can't resist red wool. Besides, had i left like that, it would have been a waste of a good hour and 25 cents (the entry fee). I returned home, tired and weak, since i had just had my breakfast, a sandwich i had whipped up just before leaving hurriedly to get to that meeting that didn't happen. I took a nap and waited for some signs of life from the owner of my potential future bike, that was 50 euros, not 100. I had to change three buses and drag a friend around with me for absolutely nothing. The guy didn't even answer the questions i asked him, specifically where we should meet. He said he was still working and that i shouldn't leave. I was already on my way, and it's a pretty long way. I couldn't turn back midway. What would i do? So we went for a walk in the muddy woods, the gorgeous weather slowly turned to frigid and i started freezing a bit, we walked up two hills and killed some time, the guy decided that he wouldn't answer any of my calls or my new messages. That sucked. If you want to sell something, don't make the potential buyer chase you around with their money. It pissed me off, since i really wanted a bike and i had taken two city buses and a 'metropolitan' bus to get there and he wouldn't even tell me when and where we could meet to see the damned bike. That's so idiotic... I wonder if i could leave some feedback on the website that i found the bike on. This guy cannot be trusted to even take your money, let alone give you something in return. Luckily, my friend the cycling guy knows another guy (that i also know, but haven't talked to since i met him two years ago) who has a repair/recondition shop for old-ish bikes. Apparently he has decent prices (that are not online because some people choose to do online business like that - as to why, beats me) and a few bikes within my budget (i am willing to go up to 65 euros for a bike in a good shape). The bad news is that the shop is in the same town/village as this other guy who didn't answer my calls. So i'll have to take another trip there, this time hopefully with a little more luck. I do want a bike, it would make my life so much easier. Goodbye buses and idiotic timetables and 'no service during the weekend'. If i want to go somewhere during the weekend or the weekday between 9-12 and 17-21, there is no chance i'll be able to do it with less than two bus tickets. That's insane, because they're not time tickets, but bus specific. Bleh. So if i want to go to the outskirts of the city on a weekend, when there is less traffic and more time to enjoy nature, i can't unless i walk or go by my kick scooter, which is cute, but so not compatible with our sidewalks and the long distances... The bridge on my street is also horrific. If there's something i hate in this life, on this planet, is that awful bridge. That's it. I wish.. I can't wish anything about it, it's about to collapse into the river anyway...
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