Reading about pores every day is just weird, but that's what i must do. Asking questions and looking for answers in the literature. There are no answers there, only more questions.
I don't know what made me skip writing for so long. I've started living too much, there is not enough time for this any more, unfortunately. For almost two weeks, I replaced writing with yoga (i've been skipping days because i just get home so late and i need to get to bed, to catch enough sleep so that the next day i'm able to work), but now i don't even have time for that.
So i take myself out on my bike and i love returning home at 11 in the evening, no cars in sight, silence, warm, clean air. I've learned how to cross my bridge without changing speeds (i have no idea what the bike terminology in English is) and that makes me extremely happy. For a week now i've been having intense feelings and i don't know what to do with them. They are for someone completely unexpected (for me, since i have a hunch he's had a crush on me for almost two years...).
He reminds me of my love story a year ago. See, the thing is my lovely possibly-future-pilot friend is too far away now for anything. Not only physically, he couldn't care less about me and our friendship (i won't call it a relationship, that would require actual communication), so i'm tired of trying to be his friend when he obviously doesn't want me to. Still, i don't want to be the one who says one thing and does the exact opposite (i should rather stop promising myself/others things, so then i don't have these things on my mind and do just whatever the hell i want), although i have a hunch that's exactly what's going to happen.
This past week has been like a dream (in a good way and in a bad way..). It started with my new 'friend' fixing his bike at my place because he was close anyway and had to change/fix something critical (a transmission cable) and i had his multifunctional tool (well, now i have my own, muhaha), so we had to meet somewhere and i wasn't yet ready to go out. Then we went searching for stuff in the market. All the stalls and shops were closed, so we just retreated for a beer and half a pizza in the most piți filled place you can find in that neighborhood.
On Saturday we went for a late bike ride, where we explored the sad, brown hills (it's not spring yet), got slightly rained on (i enjoyed it) and then i crashed just before we reached the lake. It was magical how i flew and fell with a splat on my thighs and elbows. I have a bruise the size of China on my right leg. He didn't catch that, he was far away already and had to return to see me getting my bike back in shape.
That evening he accompanied me to three meetings with many people (there should have been one more event, but it was late and we were tired) and i realized what a social person i am, actually, if i have so many people to meet with in only one evening. It was awesome. I had made some puff pastries for Pi(e) day and everyone loved them! Yay. Next day, we started in the morning on our way to a gorge where we were going to climb up a via ferrata. No luck there, the line had been destroyed by someone and we just improvised.
Towards the end, i managed to fall to my doom for a few meters on a really slippery and steep slope and he caught me heroically (he was at the end of the line i had secured myself to). Two accidents in two days for a person who's always calculated and controlled... I've either lost my touch on reality or i'm really so into this guy that i stopped thinking. Funny thing is that i wasn't at all afraid. No anxiety, no whining, nada. I would just pick myself up, plant a stupid smile on my face and say everything is all right. I know how to fall. If i'm relaxed while falling, nothing happens, just like when drunk people fall and they wake up with no bruises.
Yesterday, after meeting with another friend of mine, we spent a few hours together. We didn't do much, didn't even talk too much, but i have a hunch that a lot more was happening beneath the surface. In my case, at least, there were tons of hormones, pheromones and neurotransmitters jittering about at astronomical speeds. He joined me for an alternative milonga (thankfully, it was alternative and the music didn't scare him and my lack of tango shoes didn't make the other guys not invite me to dance).
Somehow, from touching now and then, our hands found each other and by the end of the milonga (it was almost 12), they wouldn't let go any more. He'd been playing with my hands for a few days, touching them just for a moment to catch my attention. And not just my hands. This playfulness drives me nuts (not in a bad way, mind you). I wish he doesn't forget about this even if we get closer. It's one of the most pleasant things two people can do. Touching as if the other person is fragile and somewhat off-limits, not as if they are your possession.
If you want to create desire in someone, don't invade their personal space. Smile, get somewhat close (closer than a stranger on the street) and casually, while bringing up a new conversation topic, slightly touch them in areas that normally are not considered intimate - the hands, shoulders, elbows, back, knees. The neck might be a bit more difficult to get to, but if you can pull it off without being obvious... Those places are actually intimate if you know how to treat them. They're sensitive if you don't overdo it. It helps if you're also confident and yourself, but not creepy, while emanating an air of trust.
Being trustworthy is so incredibly attractive. And telling the other person that you trust them (only when you actually do) is such a trust booster. He's been doing this for the past few days and i can't believe how much energy and passion and love for life this has brought me. I don't know if he's doing it just to help me or if he actually believes it, but it works either way. Tell your loved ones you trust them more often. You'll see how they start to bloom (and possibly do a lot of stupid stuff like i did, but making mistakes is the proper way of learning...).
It might be that i only write when i'm down because i need to let go of my feelings, just like many other people do. When you're happy you don't whine about how happy you are. You just are. But since i decided that this should be something i do quite often (all right, maybe not every day), i'll do it even if i feel like flying. I must.
