Voice

Dear friend,

Today i chose a different way of addressing you, since we're getting to know each other. At first i was a bit shy, you know me. Actually, i know me. I'm slow to start things, but once i get going, it's quite difficult to stop. Today i managed to do a lot of work, compared to the past few weeks, the past two months. I was finally able to let go and start working again on many topics at the same time. That's how i roll. So today i managed to watch a half-hour training video and watch a really good movie (that i'd love for you to see as well, it's as close as it gets to great cinematography) with a really nice speech toward the end - Any given Sunday; i made a bunch of pansies (yes, i just used that not in a pejorative way, i did make a bunch of pretty little flowers) and i still need to attach the centers and brooch pins, i took some pictures of my rings (that i love oh so much, even though i can barely stand stuff on my fingers and i'm sure that if i ever got to be given a ring by someone, i'd rather turn it into a tattoo and wear it forever - because i'm intense like that) and edited them to put them online, so i did a small update on my facebook page (that update doesn't get to anyone unless i start paying facebook, which is something that i won't be doing anytime soon). I just finished crocheting a cute heart (i saw crochet hearts made by someone i admire and decided that i need at least one too... i found some tutorials, it's not quite perfect, but it's the first and i like it - plus, it's made of an upcycled yarn which, unfortunately, has some knots in it because someone - me? my sister? my sister's boyfriend? - decided that it wouldn't be such a problem to make a yarn ball with bits of yarn. Well, it is. I'm pretty sure i wasn't the one to wind that yarn. Either way, i'm thankful that they helped me, the yarn itself is so soft and strong at the same time, it's perfect for amigurumi. I think i'll make a bunny out of it. I'll start on it tomorrow, the tutorial has been here in my browser for far too long and the bunny itself is far too cute.

While working on my pansies i somehow set off the smoke alarm (it's sensitive to CO and natural gas, and since i wasn't using any gas, i suppose that my tool makes CO, which is not very safe or smart and i may have intoxicated myself somewhat - that's stupid and the next time i'll use that tool i'll also keep the window nicely open). The advantages of the soldering iron are almost overwhelmed by the major disadvantage of turning my fabrics into partially burned organic matter. The open window should solve that problem. Thankfully, the winter is almost over. We just had a magical flurry yesterday, with the wind almost blowing me off the damned bridge (the one that i hate) yesterday, while returning from my useless adventure in the most populated village of my country - it is still a village, you can literally drown in mud while trying to walk around there - and to think that i was going to buy a bike there - i wouldn't have made it out alive.

I also read about DAAD today, the institution that gives scholarships to great students and doctoral students and researchers to go study in Germany. There are quite a few requirements there to apply for a scholarship and i'll only try to get one for my last year, but i should prepare. One of the things i'm not so sure about is the language test. Sure, if they wanted to assess my language skills, they could just look me up on the internet and see that i'm an active writer and contributor to different projects, but they won't do that. They'll make me pay a rigid institution a huge amount of money to give me a grade (a grade, didn't i tell you two days ago that i hate grades? yeah, i did) that doesn't even begin to reflect my skills relating to that language (most probably English, since the institution that I want to go to is quite open to communicating in English). This does not mean that i'll stop learning German, i'm just starting and so far it's really nice, especially since i know how to read correctly (unlike many other people trying to learn German). The funny thing is that i don't even bother learning from a Romanian book, i'm learning directly from English, in English, just like i did with Spanish. And do you know what's even funnier? That French didn't even stick to me as well as Spanish did. Why? Maybe because i listen to Spanish speaking singers all day long and i rarely hear any French. I've been wanting to practice my speech in all of these languages, but i just can't seem to make myself open my mouth and articulate all of these things. It's so tiring and i know that i should put some time away every day for diction and inflection and everything related to speaking, just what i'm doing with writing. But i'm also conscious that there are only so many hours in a day. If i dedicate x hours to this thing, then y to that thing, then 0.z to that other one, they all add up to too much. There is not enough time in the day for me to do all that i want, but i must fit them in somehow. They must become a habit.

The nicest thing people have told me after my speeches at 5MS was that i have a nice voice. I've always hated my voice, it sounds as if it comes out of a barrel. It's not at all feminine and i was never quite able to sing properly. I can do high notes, but i don't usually go there, so my voice is untrained. Except when i need to explain something, in which case my voice turns into something that i'm not quite sure of and sounds like one of those storytellers charming the children. So there is that in my and it only comes out at times, when i get center stage and there's nobody speaking over me (which is what happens most of the time in social situations). Maybe i should use it more at home, now that i'm alone and nobody would be bothered by me saying stuff in English or Spanish or French or German. Maybe i should set a special day for each language, with 15 minutes of reading out loud every day. Not in the morning. Or... maybe in the morning, since i can't seem to be able to speak as i wake up (and never feel like it either). It would be a double challenge. Can i face it? Instead of waiting 10 minutes for the next alarm, i could just wake up my brain with a little speech. Yes, that would be nice... Let's see what happens.