Merry

This 'i wrote a lot today in my notebook' excuse has to stop its existence. It is not acceptable for more than one day in a row. I did write a bit yesterday on a piece of paper because i was confused about something and i needed to get it out of my system and just couldn't do it here because i was at the university. The nice thing about working there is that, although it's mind draining (oh, yes it is), there are still times of complete calm when there's apparently nothing for me to do, so i have to find something to do. So i finished the article about the artificial intelligence and i it was a bit odd that they wouldn't mention (not even in the comments) the fact that we are as we are mostly because of our emotions. That we function based on emotions. That our brains work mostly on emotions. One cannot take a 'good' decision without an emotional brain. So there will definitely be no ASI (artificial superintelligence) without a system that works like our emotional brains! A computer cannot take decisions on its own because it has no way of knowing what would have a higher, better emotional impact. Unless it learns to think like we do and there are computers already learning quite a few things that many people thought would not be possible for a long while. Maybe our ASI will be friendly because it is anthropomorphic and thinks and acts like a (good/empathic) human being. But that's all in that little paper of mine. Sure, it's written in Romanian and i might find it archived somewhere among my papers in a few years and i'll marvel at how smart i was back now, but that's not what i wanted to write to you about today. There are so many things, but the nice part is that they don't bother me like they usually did.

For one, yesterday i found (again) a drawing from a friend. It's more than six years old. Actually, it's exactly as old as my friendship with this friend of mine that i love. And that nicest part about the drawing is that is illustrates perfectly the impression he left me when he went home (and i stayed on in my new adoptive city) and i met this wonderful other person who is still a dear friend and who gave me this drawing of this guy that i had just met a few days before. I was struck then, just as i am struck now, by how much this portrait looked like him. He doesn't fit with this image any more, that devilish smile is gone and so are the glasses for most of the time (when he talks to me on skype, anyway, which is around once a year or something). Still, there is a chance of that grin returning if he works hard enough on his confidence. I wanted to show him the drawing via skype, just the drawing, because i had promised i would do it, he declined the call. Of course, he was busy, no problem. The problem is my scanner wouldn't work (that is, connect to my computer) and i can't scan the drawing. I wanted to scan it and send it to him like that, but my scanner refuses this task. So i'm left with trying to get a call through when he obviously uses skype less and less (or maybe is just invisible most of the time, which is as bad for me because i don't want to check any more) just to show him a drawing of himself from a few years ago. Done by my friend who never met him until this winter and who has probably already forgotten about that drawing, just like i had before this last Christmas, when i felt the urge to explore some old drawing notebooks. It was there, waiting. Your time will come, little portrait. Maybe i should clean it up first, though. I can't seem to locate any of my erasers (i had quite a few). They all vanished, but i'll find a way.

It is not a priority, though. Right now a priority would be finishing those presentations, getting my papers in order for my legal form (yeah, my 'business') and making a few flowers for the upcoming holiday. Oh, and getting a bike. A good bike. Today i saw quite a few, very bad. In a bad shape and something i could not see myself riding. My bike at home is so perfect compared to these (i haven't ridden a bike in 5 years at least, but i remember the feeling on getting on that bike - much easier than getting on any of these).
Still, something caught my eye today (besides all those articles on cement and pore sizes and oh, i'm so tired and so excited about this). Since i've still got a problem (not as big as before, but it's still there), ah, it's so difficult to admit this, but i visited his profile. Because it's soothing somehow, to see that he's alive and doing things. Not so much, except for an excerpt from a movie 'We accept the love we think we deserve.'. What the hell is that supposed to be? A message to the universe? Yes, it's a truism and the least elaborate of them. Is it a message to someone? Do i care? The thing is, i don't really. I thought i would be a bit affected by it, but i'm not. Not after a few days ago (the day before yesterday), when i finally realized that nothing will happen between us in the coming years. Mostly because i'm stuck doing my PhD (don't get me wrong, i love it) and he'll be stuck doing stuff at his new and awesome job (pushing papers, most probably, in the beginning, at least) at his awesome dream company. In another country 2000 km away. For the next few years. I told him i'd like to live in Germany in three years (i'm tired of trying to be the nice one here in my own country and there is no way i'm getting a job based on my skills here) and his reaction was 'God forbid'. What does that mean? Except for hurt. I have no idea, but one point is clear. Despite my wishes and goodwill and efforts to bring us together somewhere somehow, it's not going to work in the near future. And i'll just be heartbroken for a while. Then just alone for a longer time. And he'll be the same, because he knows what the reality is. We're both twisted and not easy to understand and we have this gift of communicating through our thoughts and eyes and touch, no need for words. But it only works with each other, everyone else is more or less immune to it. I know he's as crazy as i am and i'll be happy to grow and learn along him, making fun of things and people and situations and us and each other. But he 'doesn't think he deserves' my love. What can one do?