Thousands

I spoke too soon. It wasn't over. It's not going to be over for a very long time. I'm in limbo again. Damn it, i feel like in cartoonland. Thankfully, today i got the day off for being so active these past weeks and for doing such a good job yesterday on the presentation (yay, that's over, now i have to translate half of it to Romanian and add another half about objectives and stuff like that). It's great because there is a whole lot of pain going through me right now and i could use a break. Not just physical pain, mind you, even though it is my first day (right on time, oddly, and yes, i know you don't care and it's too much info, but for some people, such as myself, this is very important information), but also emotional pain. I froze last night, while waiting for the tram, after i led my friend to the train station. I think that something more froze inside me then, because i got home and i burst. In tears, of course. Because i'm an idiot, thinking that my friends are actual friends and not some people trying to get rid of me in a most subtle fashion. It hurts more when you ignore someone who calls you their friend than if you told them you don't want to 'play friend' any more. Sure, that means that you never really were a friend, because a real friendship does not 'end', but either way it's the same thing. It just hurts more if you don't say it. Lack of communication hurts in any situation and relationship. Just know that. If you're unsure whether you're a friend to someone, you're not. And that's fine, you don't have to be everyone's friend. You don't have to be anyone's friend, for that matter. Just let them know. So that they can heal their wounds and go on with their lives. If you keep them hanging by a thread you're worse than anything. Cruel and evil, even if you don't realize it. Or especially if you don't realize it. Your actions only hurt the other person. I always try to let people know when we can't have something together because of different reasons. Sometimes i don't like them, sometimes i do, but they can't be trusted or sometimes i like them but we're completely immiscible, like water and oil. We don't work together, no matter what. And that's fine, as long as they know it too, because i let them know.

I didn't write yesterday because i got home quite late and quite frozen. I picked up a friend at the airport and we spent a little bit of time with two more friends before i led her to the train station. She's such a nice person, one of those people that you instantly 'click' with. I don't even think we've seen each other since, until last night. But it was as if we'd known each other forever. And it was awesome. We'll see if she manages to sell some of my flowers in Germany. If she doesn't, no worries, i'll be going there soon.

I got an odd email today, asking me whether i have 17000 identical flowers on stock. How is it not clear from my website that everything i make is handmade? I have no idea. It's written everywhere. How many years would it take to make so many flowers? I don't know, it's very funny. I answered that i would only make 100, tops. What are they thinking? It would take me a thousand boxes full of flowers to top such an order. Maybe it was just a joke, in which case it's a lame joke. Still, what a number. Why choose that number?

It feels so cold... Inside and out. But it will be all right, it always is. I read an article yesterday about researchers trying to find out whether expressive writing (what i'm doing now) and rewriting helps people cope with their problems better. They found out it does. I could have told them that. It's no news. Either way, even though inside i feel like shit, i know there's stuff that i could do to improve my general move. First, cleaning up my house. It's full of mud from my bike (i rather like that, though, it makes me feel like i like to live dangerously - i don't). Then finishing up my writing assignments - the last presentation and the other half of my translation. Then a new article on my website - since i started writing here (and a bit before that) i haven't published anything there. It's a business, it's my brand image, i can't post my rants there. And then i could, finally, watch that second video from Marie, on marketing. I'm quite curious, but not enough yet. Oh, i almost forgot about dancing. Dancing makes one happy girl...