Thorns

There's an unnerving feeling gripping at my insides. I can barely breathe. It feels like a blockage inside my lungs. I can't control my heart rate, it's just erratic. I'm angry at myself. I can't concentrate on a task I don't fully understand. What exactly am i supposed to do? I'm trying hard, but i feel like what i'm doing is useless. How can i ask money for such a lame job? I can't get feedback in real time and it pisses me off. I can't work on it during the day and during the evening it's nighttime where the people i'm supposed to get feedback from live and work. So i'm stranded, i feel like someone is stretching me, pulling me apart. The strangest thing is that a friend of mine just told me of his plans to visit Australia in a year. Did i mention the people i want to work with live in Australia? Yeah, well, now i did.

Today i had a few crazy ideas, but i wasn't able to write them down, so they mostly disappeared. It's not so bad when you have stuff to do and know exactly what you're doing and why. i was daydreaming during that time, i only made one mistake the whole day and it's sort of irrelevant anyway, we were looking at the big picture. The problem is i'm looking through things. Dreaming used to be some activity for back when i was a bit dumber and had less stuff to do. Now i've just brought everything upon my head and i can't do any of it. I feel stuck, i'm going crazy, and this task i don't understand is killing me. I feel cold and tired and i make fun of things and laugh and i'm dying inside, slowly and painfully. How do i go through this? i thought writing about it would help, it doesn't. Not now. It always did, but that's when there were so much fewer things to do. i want to keep in touch with someone who doesn't want to talk to me. maybe he knows that it only makes this situation worse. or maybe it hurts him if i write to him. i'm such a selfish person.

tomorrow i'm supposed to hold a speech and my speech isn't even ready yet. it's almost ready, but not quite. i also don't know it well enough and it annoys me, but i know i have to hold it. i promised myself and other people that i would. what is important any more? finishing this presentation that i don't understand? finishing the speech that i have to deliver tomorrow... And now i want to crochet because i found a pattern and i want to make a bunny. i've been neglecting my hands lately, only working with my brain. That's not healthy, especially in this situation.

I just finished the first of 13 presentations, it's late in the night and the last thing i want to do now is finish that speech and actually use my voice, but i have to. I may warm up with a little reading from a book or something.

Getting through these things is tough as hell, but i just had the most idiotic idea. I keep using metaphors connected to my imaginary garden. I sent out a bunch of butterflies and they returned in the thousands. An army. All my 'competition' has wilted away, because they were all annuals, all fragile and pretty. I'm more like an acacia tree. Wooden, thorny, but with the sweetest smelling tiny flowers. Also highly productive of edible beans. What is that last part supposed to mean? Well, maybe that many others can benefit from having me around. Even if it's difficult to get close and stay close...