Metal

I can't remember anything... irrelevant. My brain works like that. i'm often surprised to hear friends tell me how much it helped them when i said x and i just can't remember saying it or the context. That's a bit sad, since those were very important moments for my friends and i feel like an ass for not being emotional enough to remember their very sad or very excited experiences with me. i mean i was there, i went through all of those things with those people and made their lives better (somehow, in the long run), i should remember those moments, right?
And then there are all of those minutiae details from that time i was walking with someone and being very emotional myself. Or that time that someone touched my neck in a playful manner and his scent surrounded me like a cloud, like one of those smoke hands in cartoons that drag the characters around by the tips of their noses. That one touch or that smell, that intersection on the stairs, that moment when our legs touched underneath the table or that spoonful of soup he stole from my plate. i wasn't going to eat that soup anyway. That hug sometime past midnight next to the river, watching the sleeping ducks and seagulls. Why are there seagulls in the middle of the continent? i may never know. That moment frozen in time, breathless, 20 meters in the air.
The strangest things have happened in the last 24 hours. For me the day starts around this hour of the evening or a bit later, everything starts anew. I didn't sleep enough, but I had e really good day at the university, we wasted a whole lot of time and energy, but we're proud to present results good enough for publishing, so that's the nice part. Coming home, I found out that the electricity company charges absurdly uncorrelated amounts of money on their bills. It makes no sense. But that's all right, it can be fixed, I hope. I'm not going to be able to finish this part of the story, sorry. It's odd. I'm falling asleep as i'm writing.
I can't decide whether to keep writing the correct English or just go with my own flow and rules. Who cares, after all? There is so much hate on the internet, i wonder why sometimes. I read it in the comments of my favorite songs on youtube. I read it in comments on blog posts and articles i read every day. Why? Why does this hate exist and why would people accept it in their own territory? It makes no sense. Why would i host your hateful and hurtful words on my website? So that other people like me can then read them and feel a little worse after a full day of work? So that, instead of enjoying something purely, they are exposed to the unfiltered hate of those who are too weak or bored to actually create something of value? I should probably stop reading comments. Except maybe on wait but why posts. I always learn something nice from those.
Tomorrow i'm supposed to start working on an article, my first journal article. I feel unprepared and not good enough yet to have my thoughts and words appear in an international scientific journal. I'm sure we have high quality material and i'm more than certain that we can pull it off in a really elegant fashion, it's just that it's something new. New things are always frightening. I know next to nothing about this kind of publication, i've been reading excessively lately, but not much has stuck. It's difficult to remember a lot when you read five-ten articles a day, fragments from two-three books on different topics, a few online articles and fragments from here and there. I've learned so much in such a short time, that my brain feels a bit overloaded. It will be fine, in a few years computers will know everything, there won't be the need for complete humans any more. There will be complete computers. Until then, though, I must do my best. That's one of the reasons I started writing again. Another one was that i needed this. A few days after writing a bit daily, i felt something change in my head. I was less emotional, in the sense that i stopped juggling all my emotions in my head, and could focus better. I even started writing a blog post instead of a random text. That's great, that's structure, that's a habit. I want to make this into a habit. I'm sure I can.

I also need to rehearse my speech. I should have been doing it for the past few days, but I dreaded it and didn't do it, even though i know how important it is. I'll do it now. What better moment for that?