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Tired is all i am right now. The words have fled my head, but i'll keep up with my promise. It's odd that, after such a long day, all i could do was watch a bit of a movie. About horses, the English coast and artists from a century ago. Not very entertaining, but that's not what i need right now.

Yesterday i finished the speech, i printed it and today i kept repeating it. I learned it quite well, but when it was time to finally have it in front of all those people, i kept forgetting the words. It was quite nice actually, i'm very proud of myself for this performance. Ovi called me out to be the first to hold the speech (there were six other women and one guy, it was funny like that). I had a few seconds to calm down and breathe, i felt my heart pounding, but there was no pressure from the public. It was good, since i had not started with my 'hate' routine, where i criticize all the stupid things some of the speakers say. The evening had just begun and so i was still fresh and energetic. Still, my voice was quite soft. The message was quite clear, i hope, as well as my voice. It sounds odd on a microphone, but i suppose you get used to it. Compared with the last speech on 5MS, this one was way superior and much, much easier. I could look at the people in the audience and address my message to them. They didn't get the funny parts, maybe i wasn't really funny or it was a bit too soft. I'm not sure. Anyway, it's a great experience that i hope more people get to have. And even though i found some of the speeches abhorrent (not *that* bad, but *quite* bad), they got the "first" prizes tonight. Honestly, i don't really care. I had fun with my friend by my side, making faces and writing mean messages on my speech sheet. I also won a bow in the raffle and got a book as a consolation prize. I think the book is more valuable than some of those other prizes. And the funniest thing is that my friend got my butterfly in the raffle. What were the chances? Who knows, the thing is that she's not into purple (meaning that she always calls everything purple 'gay'), so she'll probably give it to someone as a present. My intention was making my brand known, but it's still going to my friend who's been with me through the building of my brand. The last time both the flowers got to pairs of people from the same family, so there is something going on here that's trying to send me a message. Keep things close to you. Loyalty is more important than new people.

Today i stopped thinking about him more and more. I still do think of him at times, especially in cases like this girl asking 'what do you think about when i say "wings"?'. Obviously, i think of him, planes, engines and that's quite it. Oh right, and dragonflies. Because they fly and i love them. I wonder if anyone will ever engineer a helicopter based on the flying patterns of dragonflies, who can fly in all directions, hover, go up an down, left and right, front and back. They are quite the fiercest of predators and they are so adorable at the same time. How can that be? Almost as adorable as the mantis 'shrimp'. So i think of him and then i go down this path of seemingly unrelated topics that stem from all of the crazy things we used to talk about. Now if i feel the need to tell him something, rather than going through the pain of waiting for an answer (because answering is the nice thing to do when people tell you stuff, and on this regard, he's not really that nice), i should write here anything and everything i wished to tell him. Or, even better, think about writing here what i wish to tell him, not do it because i'm busy doing something much more important, then forgetting about the thing and the feelings connected with this non-existent conversation. This way i get to keep my sanity, have something to write about every day (haha, i would have something to write about every second if only i had that much time to spare and that much speed to actually turn the thoughts in my head into key strokes on my keyboard) and get to live my life as i actually am, an 'independent' human being. Not very independent, but much more than normal people are.

The topic of my speech tonight was partly inter-dependence of the humans, but in a good way. We depend upon each other and sometimes build norms that forget to evolve with our societies. The norms stay behind and get outdated and do more harm than good. The problem is our lifestyles change so fast that there is not time to test out new models and create habits... So each of us has to take control of their lives and become conscious of each and every little choice and activity every day. I've started doing this a while ago, it gets tedious and tiring, maybe i'm doing it wrong...